lost_boy: (Default)
A lot of the time I had a difficult time really communicating my feelings. I knew anger and I knew love, I knew happiness and sadness, but trying to put those things into words wasn't always easy for me. It was better than it used to be, I was better. I had a therapist and I was older and it wasn't that I was angry with myself right now for not being able to articulate everything I felt.

I just knew I wanted to get it right.

Elio wouldn't judge me, though, if I struggled. Elio never judged me. It was truly what having a real brother was like, even without having ever had one, I could say that with certainty. I just knew.

Which is why I was there. I showed up at the bookstore after hours, but went up the stairs on the side of the building that led to the outside door of the apartment upstairs. Elio knew I was coming, but I still didn't just burst in. I knocked politely, then put my cold hand in my pocket and waited for him to let me in.

I still didn't know how to say what I was feeling, but Elio would help me figure it out.

And I had brought him dinner.
lost_boy: (015)
Last night felt like a whirlwind.

I usually loved the parties Magnus threw, but last night the flying had left me shaken and panicked, afraid of everything from the Island coming back for me, right up until the moment Eddie had shouted at me to stop running. It was an incredible thing, having a night turn around so completely, but within less than half an hour with Eddie, I had gone from feeling as if my chest was being crushed by some awfully heavy weight, to feeling like I could fly without any help from the beads. Like I could fly and it would be the most wonderful thing in the world instead of the most frightening.

And Eddie loved me. Nothing could be frightening after that.

When Eddie suggested we go to Elio's instead of going back to the Home, I had jumped at the chance to spend the night with him instead of in a completely different room. I hated that the Home had separated us once they found out what was going on, but I also knew I couldn't do anything about it.

This was good, though. It was nice. Even having to sleep on a couch didn't make it any less comfortable. I had spent years sleeping under the roots of a tree, sleeping peacefully and comfortably on a dirt floor with a dozen other boys and their skinny limbs draped across me. Pressing close to Eddie on a couch wasn't a hardship at all. I would have stayed here forever if I could.

Except right now I had to pee. I carefully extricated myself from where I was sleeping and yanked on my clothes before I tiptoed down the hall to the bathroom. I still wasn't sure how strange Oliver found my presence to be, so I didn't want to wake him by accident. I was as quiet as possible, but on the way back to the couch I spotted Elio out on the patio and went in that direction instead.

"Hi," I said, my voice soft. "Good morning."
lost_boy: (003)
I hadn't thought twice about Valentine's Day until Elio.

It was fair that I hadn't, I thought, because Valentine's Day wasn't the sort of thing I had needed to consider when I lived in London and especially not when I lived on Peter's Island. I understood the concept of it, even if some of the girls at school rolled their eyes and insisted it was too commercialized, but it didn't strike me that I ought to get something for Eddie until Elio asked what my plans were.

I had no plans. That was my plan.

But he made me realize that wasn't a plan at all. I didn't know if Eddie expected me to do anything special, but I wanted to, even if I didn't know what special really meant for Valentine's Day. Commercials on television and ads on social media on my phone led me to believe it was meant to be dinner and jewelry, but I didn't think Eddie would want a diamond necklace. A special dinner might be nice, though.

I was prepared to ask Elio. Waiting for him at the mall, I had my phone in my hand, but I was staring at a display of brightly coloured stuffed animals, all of them holding hearts or roses in their fluffy paws.
lost_boy: (013)
I understood a lot of Halloween traditions in Darrow, as they were similar to things we had done back in London, and it was nice to have something so familiar and comforting as that. I was excited for it, I enjoyed knowing it was something that didn't make me feel entirely out of place, even though some aspects weren't quite the same.

The haunted houses, for example, were very new.

I had already been to one with Eddie and some of the other kids from the home, but it seemed like there was a new one nearly every weekend. When Elio asked if I wanted to go, I nearly jumped at the chance, because I had liked the first one so much. Being scared, as it turned out, when there wasn't really anything to be truly afraid of, was an exhilarating kind of experience. I had laughed and screamed and jumped in the last haunted house, clutching Eddie's hand or Beverly's shoulder, and I wanted to do it again.

I was waiting impatiently outside of the Home for Elio. I had been told I had a curfew, as usual, but that was okay. I had some money in my pocket for the entrance fee and for dinner if we wanted to have some. Mostly I was excited for the haunted house, though. I couldn't wait. I hoped Elio was the sort to scream.
lost_boy: (015)
It was official. I was in the tenth grade.

That meant absolutely nothing to me, except that I wasn't in the same grade as Eddie, which was a big disappointment, and I thought I was in the same grade as Eponine, which was a nice feeling. And that in itself was more complicated than I wanted to dwell on for very long, because I still couldn't really work out more than half of what I felt and how much of it was allowed or appropriate.

I wanted to stamp down on these feelings. Sal was dead and I didn't know what it meant to think about anyone else the way I had thought of her. Harder still, I didn't know what it meant that I was thinking of another boy the way I'd thought of her.

Rather than let myself dwell on any of that, I was forcing myself to think about school. It was starting in just a few weeks and now that I knew where I would officially be placed, there were things I had to buy. The school had given me a list when I was there earlier with a volunteer from the Children's Home and the man had offered to come with, but I had just shaken my head. I could do this on my own.

Then I realized I couldn't. I didn't know what some of the things were, what they meant. I didn't want to ask the people from the Home, and I felt too embarrassed to ask one of my friends who would be at school with me, and so I knew exactly who I had to ask.

I texted Elio, asking if he would meet me, then waited near the store for him with my list clutched in one fist. Maybe it was a little stupid, but it made me angry, not knowing what these items were. I knew the simple things, like pencils and pens, but I didn't know what a protractor was or loose leaf or a binder.

I hated not knowing things.

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Jamie

June 2025

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