lost_boy | (no subject)

I hadn't thought twice about Valentine's Day until Elio.

It was fair that I hadn't, I thought, because Valentine's Day wasn't the sort of thing I had needed to consider when I lived in London and especially not when I lived on Peter's Island. I understood the concept of it, even if some of the girls at school rolled their eyes and insisted it was too commercialized, but it didn't strike me that I ought to get something for Eddie until Elio asked what my plans were.

I had no plans. That was my plan.

But he made me realize that wasn't a plan at all. I didn't know if Eddie expected me to do anything special, but I wanted to, even if I didn't know what special really meant for Valentine's Day. Commercials on television and ads on social media on my phone led me to believe it was meant to be dinner and jewelry, but I didn't think Eddie would want a diamond necklace. A special dinner might be nice, though.

I was prepared to ask Elio. Waiting for him at the mall, I had my phone in my hand, but I was staring at a display of brightly coloured stuffed animals, all of them holding hearts or roses in their fluffy paws.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Over the past few days it's become clear to me that Valentine's Day has become a thing with me. Oliver and I showed up in the city the day before the holiday last year, and the holiday was disastrous. I was heartbroken and angry with him, and the day passed in a strange haze of grief. Not just over him, but for losing my family and my entire life all in one day.

Now we're together and we're happy, and even though I know it's just a silly holiday, I want it to be special. It isn't just Valentine's Day; it's a year since we were given back to each other.

I'm not sure that my idea of how to spend the holiday and Jamie's will exactly line up (in fact I'm sure they don't, because mine will involve lots of sex), but it'll be nice to have a friend to shop with.

"Hey," I say as I approach Jamie, hooking my chin over his shoulder to shamelessly look at his phone screen. "Aw, is Eddie the teddy bear type?"

"I don't know," I said, even though I was almost entirely certain Elio was only teasing me. The toys were silly and over the top and some of them looked a little unsettling, but some of them were nice, too. Maybe Eddie would like it if I got him one of the bears or one of the rabbits. I thought I should probably find out which animal was his favourite before getting something like that for him, though.

Looking down at my phone, I quickly sent Eddie a text, asking him what his favourite animal was.

"All the commercials on social media are about jewelry," I pointed out to Elio, holding my phone up for him to see better. "I'm not buying Eddie a diamond necklace, that's silly. Why don't they make advertisements for other people instead of just adult men giving gifts to adult women?"

"Because heteronormativity," I reply, smiling faintly because that was a very Verity thing to say and I miss her terribly. She was invaluable to me as I navigated the complicated waters of coming to terms with my sexuality, and I'll always be grateful to her for that.

"Ignore all that," I say, waving the phone away. "It's all very commercialized, but you don't have to celebrate it how people say. It's not about boxed chocolates and diamond necklaces. It's about romance. Celebrating your relationship, in whatever way that means for you."

"Heteronormativity," I echoed, although I had no idea what that word meant, I mostly just wanted to try it out and see how it felt to say it. I would look it up later, I decided, and see what the dictionary on my phone could tell me about it.

"I don't know what it means for me," I admitted as I tucked my phone into my pocket and then turned away from the toys. "I would like to do something special for Eddie, but everything that seems special doesn't seem like something he and I would do together."

I had saved up a lot of money, seeing little need to spend it except where the Home told me I ought to. I took Eddie out on dates, but that was the extent of my spending. Maybe I could take him somewhere we wouldn't otherwise be able to afford.

Jamie repeats the term and I get ready to explain it as best I can, but I can tell that he’s already filing it away for letter, so I move on. His words make me smile, because it’s so obvious how much he cares for Eddie.

“Hey, if you do things together and enjoy them, they’re special,” I tell him. “Special doesn’t always mean fancy.”

We walk through the mall and I stop in front of a jewelry store, peering at cufflinks, collar stays, and watches. My nose wrinkles a bit, because I’m not sure how to possibly top the ring I got him for Hanukkah. The answer won’t be found in another jewelry store, I’m sure.

“I’ve never spent Valentine’s Day with anyone either,” I admit, finally letting my own nerves show a little. “It’ll be my first one with Oliver. We both showed up the day before it last year but, well, it was sort of a disaster. We weren’t together then.”

I turn to him with a helpless shrug. “I want this one to be special, but I’m kind of lost too.”

"Then how are you supposed to help me?" I asked with a bright laugh, knowing he would understand I was only teasing. Maybe we were both hopeless, but we would be hopeless together and that wasn't such a terrible thing. I didn't want either of us to fail, I wanted for us both to give Oliver and Eddie a wonderful day, but if we were both floundering, we could work it out together.

"Maybe you should just make him a nice dinner," I suggested. I didn't have access to a private place like they did, I wouldn't be able to do the same thing for Eddie, but it sounded nice. "Something quiet and private to counter... whatever disaster happened last year."