lost_boy | [morning after mardi gras]

Entry tags:

elio

[morning after mardi gras]

Last night felt like a whirlwind.

I usually loved the parties Magnus threw, but last night the flying had left me shaken and panicked, afraid of everything from the Island coming back for me, right up until the moment Eddie had shouted at me to stop running. It was an incredible thing, having a night turn around so completely, but within less than half an hour with Eddie, I had gone from feeling as if my chest was being crushed by some awfully heavy weight, to feeling like I could fly without any help from the beads. Like I could fly and it would be the most wonderful thing in the world instead of the most frightening.

And Eddie loved me. Nothing could be frightening after that.

When Eddie suggested we go to Elio's instead of going back to the Home, I had jumped at the chance to spend the night with him instead of in a completely different room. I hated that the Home had separated us once they found out what was going on, but I also knew I couldn't do anything about it.

This was good, though. It was nice. Even having to sleep on a couch didn't make it any less comfortable. I had spent years sleeping under the roots of a tree, sleeping peacefully and comfortably on a dirt floor with a dozen other boys and their skinny limbs draped across me. Pressing close to Eddie on a couch wasn't a hardship at all. I would have stayed here forever if I could.

Except right now I had to pee. I carefully extricated myself from where I was sleeping and yanked on my clothes before I tiptoed down the hall to the bathroom. I still wasn't sure how strange Oliver found my presence to be, so I didn't want to wake him by accident. I was as quiet as possible, but on the way back to the couch I spotted Elio out on the patio and went in that direction instead.

"Hi," I said, my voice soft. "Good morning."

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Usually I sleep in, at least past the time that Oliver gets up to greet the dawn, or whatever it is early birds do. Sometimes, however, I wake up and there is nothing I can do to make my traitorous body go back to sleep. For a moment I consider waking Oliver, rousing him slowly with my mouth or my hands, but he looks so peaceful and I have to pee anyway.

After relieving myself, I go downstairs to make some coffee. Still sleep addled and foggy, I nearly panic when I see myself sleeping on the sofa, but I quickly remember that we have guests. It’s probably creepy, but I take a quick peek at Jamie and Eddie curled up together. Jamie had a tough night, and I’m glad he could find solace here with the person who calms him most.

As quietly as I can, I make a pot of coffee with enough left over for everyone to have some once they get up. There really isn’t anything I can do down here without waking anyone up, so I grab a book I’ve been reading off of my piano bench and head outside. It’s a chilly morning but there are blankets on the loveseat on the patio to curl up in, and coffee to keep me warm. Greeting the dawn is rather nice, I decide while watching the colors play off of the lake in the distance. Not nice enough to willingly get up this early all the time, but good for a rare treat.

Eventually I get lost in my book and by the time Jamie slips out onto the patio, the gray morning sky has shifted to a pale blue. I look up at him with a smile and slip my bookmark into the book to keep my place before letting it fall closed in my lap.

“Hey, morning,” I reply. “You want some coffee? There’s a fresh pot on the kitchen.” I don’t even know if Jamie drinks coffee, but it would be rude not to offer.

My nose wrinkled a little at the offer of coffee, because for all my interest in modern amenities and learning about them, I was still English at heart and I much preferred tea. It would be rude to tell Elio I thought coffee tasted terrible, however, and even more impolite to ask him to make me tea instead, so I only shook my head and came to sit down beside him.

"Eddie's still asleep," I said as I pulled my bare feet up onto the cushion under me and wrapped my arms around my knees. We hadn't really spoken much to Elio the night before, far more eager to just spend time with each other, and I had fallen asleep rather quickly after everything, the effects of the adrenaline from my panic having worn off. I wanted to tell Elio, though. Not everything, because much of what Eddie and I said and did together was private and special. But I wanted to tell him the important thing.

Tilting my head, I rested my cheek on my knees and looked at Elio. "I told him I love him."

I can’t help but to laugh at that nose wrinkle, familiar because I’ve seen it so many times on my own face. He sits down and I move my book to the little table next to the loveseat, also grinding my smoldering cigarette into the ash tray there.

Jamie is quiet for a few moments and I sit up a little straighter, glancing at him curiously. It seems like it’s going to be important, whatever he says, so I wait patiently. I’m certainly not expecting what he does say, but my lips immediately curl into a warm smile.

“I had a suspicion,” I reply, unfurling myself from the blanket and lifting one side in invitation for Jamie to move closer. “Here, last night? Tell me all about it.”

I shook my head as I scooted closer, then let the blanket cover my legs as I leaned my head against the back of the couch.

"Earlier," I said. "At the party. We were outside on one of the benches and Eddie said... we were talking about Peter and he said if Peter came here he would never let him hurt me and I... I believed him."

I didn't know if I was explaining it right. I didn't know how to say what that meant, believing someone would do anything to keep me safe, how important it was after so long of always being the caretaker. For once, someone wanted to look after me and it was so much more than that, but that was the moment that had unstuck my tongue.

"I just said it," I admitted, smiling. "It was like the words came from somewhere other than my brain."

Jamie moves closer and I help drape the blanket over him, tucking him in close to me as I listen to him speak. I'm much closer with Jamie than I am with Eddie, but I do like him. He rises even further in my esteem as Jamie recounts the previous night's events.

"Oh, trust me. I understand that perfectly," I say with a soft smile, recounting my own memory of the first time I said those words to someone who wasn't family. It wasn't anything quite so dramatic, but I remember how important it felt to get the words out, like I couldn't keep them in.

"It seems like it went well," I say, smiling warmly over at him. "I'm really happy for you. It's a very special thing, being in love. We're lucky people."

I rubbed one of my eyes almost shyly, because while I cared for Elio very much, this was all new to me and I was never sure if I was doing things properly. Eddie didn't seem to mind if I fumbled a little, but I remembered how horrified he had been when I first asked him to be my boyfriend, seemingly worried that I had shared too much with Elio at the time. I didn't think it was too much, telling him this, but at the same time I was glad Eddie was still asleep.

"I've never been in love before," I said. "There was Sal and I thought... well, I cared for her a great deal. I think, had she not been killed, it could have been love."

But Peter had killed her. There was no taking that back, no bringing her back and I knew she would want me to be happy. It was all Sal ever wanted, it seemed, for everyone around her to be safe and happy.

For a moment I stay quiet, because I am not sure how to respond to that. I really haven't dealt with anything as tragic as most people here seem to have. I hate knowing that Jamie has gone through so much, but I'm glad to see him doing better here. It's strange to think that anyone could ever be safer here in this strange place, but Jamie seems to fall into that category.

"Love seems to find you at the most unexpected of times," I say after a moment, reaching over to ruffle his hair and give the back of his neck a squeeze. "I'm glad that you guys know that you can come here. Though, I should probably get an air mattress or something."

"What's an air mattress?" I asked, swatting at Elio when he ruffled my hair. Even though I was getting taller, when he did something like that, it made me feel like a little kid. That wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to me, but I had seen other kids with their parents or their older siblings, and they always did things like that. Tried to squirm away from the touch when it was embarrassing.

I wasn't embarrassed. It was rather nice. But it was also nice to be normal.

"And what's wrong with the couch? I like it." I just liked being able to sleep next to Eddie. The Home was trying to make it very difficult for us and I knew it was still another whole year before I would be out on my own and able to have Eddie stay with me.

"It's an inflatable bed," I explain, laughing softly when Jamie swats me away. Sometimes having him around really does feel a little like having a brother, and I've really come to cherish that. There's a sharp little pain in my chest when I think about the people I've lost already in the year that I've been here, but I can't let that keep me from loving.

"I guess I'm just used to being able to entertain," I say thoughtfully. We always had space for people wherever I lived, but I suppose the important part is that Jamie and Eddie know that they have a place to go. "Just-- you know that you guys are always welcome here, right? I mean it."

"An inflatable bed," I echoed, trying to picture it. It seemed like an odd thing, filled up a bed with air, but then I supposed it made sense for guests. Once they were gone, you could take all the air out and it wouldn't take up very much space at all. It was a good idea.

"I know," I said. "Eddie knows, too, he was the one to suggest it in the first place."

I didn't know if anyone would expect it of him, but Eddie was so good at taking charge when it mattered. Often I didn't know what to do or where to go, a little lost in a world I still didn't entirely understand, but whenever that happened, Eddie was there to make sure I knew what my options were.

"Is that right? I'm glad," I reply, sounding a little surprised but pleased. Eddie and I have had our moments where we've clashed, particularly that strange afternoon under the mistletoe, but I'd like to think that we've gotten close. I've grown so fond of both of them.

"He cares about you very much," I say warmly, because that much is obvious. We're quiet for a moment, and I finish off my coffee before setting the mug aside and looking at him thoughtfully. "Do you want to talk about what had you so upset?"

I worked out who exactly Jamie is some time ago, but I've never really told him that. How do you tell a friend that you read about him as a child, but in that story he was far from the kind, troubled young man that I've come to know. I don't want to trouble him any further, not with all that he already has to contend with.

I did always think that Peter Pan was kind of an ass, anyway.

I shrugged a little and didn't say anything at first, not because I wanted to keep it from Elio, but Eddie had so improved my night that I wasn't sure I wanted to ruin the good memory with what had been upsetting me so much at the time. I fidgeted with the hem of the blanket for a moment before huffing out a breath and slouching down a little further on the couch before I shrugged again.

"I had a bunch of beads," I said. "Before I even realized what was happening, I was flying and- and Peter- he could fly. Only he didn't tell me about it. He used to promise he told me everything, but I saw him flying one day near the end and I realized he had been lying all along. About everything. About how he cared for us all, about why he took us, about what had happened to my mother. He was just a liar."

I didn't know if that made sense, how the flying connected to Peter, but I wasn't sure how else to explain it.

It’s moments like this that I realize just how truly good I had it. I was never unaware that I lived a charmed life, traveling the world with parents who truly loved me, but being in Darrow has really driven it home. I am so grateful for the life I got to live, the childhood I got to have, and I wish I could tell my parents that.

But this moment isn’t about me. It’s about Jamie, and I wish I was better equipped for dispensing advice. My father was incredible at it, but perhaps that is a talent that comes with the wisdom of age.

While I gather my thoughts, I slump down under the blanket with Jamie and sling my arm over his shoulders in a tousling, brotherly sort of way and give his arm a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m sorry that you went through all of that,” I tell him sincerely, because I hate the thought of Jamie scared and in pain. I wish I could tell him that he was entirely safe from Peter, but it’s not a promise I could make, not when anything could happen here. “It doesn’t erase what happened to you, nothing could, but I hope you know how much you’re loved here. We make our own family here in Darrow, and you’re part of mine, okay? You’re part of Eddie’s.”

I nodded and smiled, because I did know these things. People didn't always say it, but that was okay, because I felt it. Elio had made me welcome in his life in such an easy, casual way that I almost hadn't realized it was happening until he suddenly felt like family. And Eddie loved me enough to offer to kill Peter for me, something I hoped would never, ever happen, but a gesture that made me feel more loved than I had ever known.

There was Lisbeth and Magnus, who would be the grown ups on my side if I ever really needed them. I was so lucky here, with all the joy and goodness I had found.

"I know," I said and leaned my head back against the couch, warm under Elio's arm. "I like it here. I- I'm happy here."

"I'm glad. You deserve to be happy," I assure him, tugging him in closer and enjoying his closeness and his warmth. I've always been a rather tactile person, but especially so with the people that I'm closest to.

"I'm happy too," I say after a moment, because it feels important to say. "I miss home very much, but I'm happy. I can see a future here. Oliver and I are going to get married someday, and you'll be there."

Of course there are no guarantees in Darrow, but I can see it clearly. I just have to have hope that it'll happen.

It made me laugh, not because there was anything funny about Elio and Oliver getting married, but because marriage seemed like the sort of thing that was so far off. I loved Eddie and now I knew he loved me, too, but I didn't think either of us would try to think about getting married.

Teenagers broke up all the time. I had seen it at school. I didn't want it to happen to us and I certainly wasn't planning on it and I wanted to be with Eddie for as long as he would want me. But I also knew we were young. I hoped he would love me forever, but I couldn't guarantee it.

"Will you have a big party for your wedding?" I asked, still giggling a little.

Jamie laughs, but it doesn't seem to be at my expense. The whole idea of it is a little absurd, I suppose. How many eighteen year olds can honestly say they're ready to get married and truly mean it? I know that I'm a rarity, but I also know that I am where I'm meant to be. I belong to Oliver, just as he belongs to me. There isn't a doubt in my mind.

"Of course we will," I say with a laugh of my own, reaching over to rub my knuckles lightly against Jamie's hair. "But you guys can't stay the night after that party. We'll need the house to ourselves."

"Uch," I said, wrinkling my nose, because sex still made me a little nervous and a little uncomfortable. I was partly teasing, of course, because I didn't care that other people did it and I was glad they were comfortable and happy, but I didn't really like talking about it. I was trying to be better about it, but it was difficult. It was just all so new.

But I could try. I knew Elio wouldn't laugh at me.

"It's strange to think I won't have to live at the Home in just over a year," I admitted. "Right now it's a struggle for Eddie and I to have any time to ourselves, especially since the staff knows we're together now. But in just over a year, I'll have a place of my own."

"Still not there yet, huh?" I say, grinning as Jamie wrinkles his nose. "Yeah, well. Give it time. And you know you can always come to me if you have questions."

With one arm still around Jamie I lean over to grab my coffee, taking a long drink even if it's gotten cold.

"If you guys ever want some privacy, you're always welcome here. Maybe when it's warmer you guys could even pitch a tent in the backyard or something some weekend," I tell him, licking coffee from my upper lip. "Or you could get emancipated. That's what I did when I got here."

"We do some things," I answered and it wasn't defensive, just a statement. Eddie and I weren't ready for sex, not yet, and I was comfortable with that. I was also comfortable with Eddie and I knew when the time came, we would be able to talk to each other about it.

New Year's Eve had happened so naturally, after all our panic, and although a part of my brain had still been worried when we first started kissing, soon enough my body had just taken over and I wasn't worried at all.

"Emancipated?" I asked. "I don't know what that is."

"There's no set guideline. No schedule," I assure him, hoping that I wasn't making him feel awkward or sticking my nose where it didn't belong. Oliver and I jumped headfirst into everything all at once, and while I don't regret a single second of it, I know that isn't how it works for most people. "Do what feels right when it feels right. That's all that really matters."

After draining my coffee cup, I set it down on the table and burrow a little deeper under the blanket, curling up with Jamie like we're two sleepy puppies. It's easy and comfortable, and I let out a little yawn before resting my cheek against Jamie's head for a moment.

"Oh, right," I say, perking up at the question. Of course Jamie wouldn't know what that was. "It's a process where you go down to City Hall and fill out some paperwork, and then there are some meetings with very boring people where you prove that you're competent enough to live on your own without supervision, even if you're underage."

"It isn't for everyone," I add, because there's nothing wrong with having the support system of the home in place. "I was just so close to eighteen and was so independent anyway. I just really wanted to be on my own. And to be near Oliver, of course, but that wasn't the main reason."

Eddie and I would know when we were ready, I knew Elio was right about that, so I only nodded. It was something I had learned a lot about in recent months, as much as I could, but it was the second part of what Elio was talking about that interested me more.

(It wasn't really more interesting than the idea of sex with Eddie, that was by far the most interesting thing I thought about, but it was better not to think about it right at this very moment.)

"I'm very independent," I said thoughtfully. "But I'm not sure it's the right sort of independence. I know how to kill a Many-Eyed, but not how to cook much more than grilled cheese and stove top soup. I'm also still very confused by money. I know I need to pay for things, I can't just take them anymore, but it seems much more complicated when you're on your own. Right now the workers at the Home take care of my money for me. They put it all in savings and then give me some for spending when I need things."

"No, that makes a lot of sense," I assure him, because while I have no doubt about Jamie's abilities, he did miss out on a lot of basic skills and time in the Home will help him. "I didn't need to acclimate quite like you do."

I know how to do basic household things. I mean, I always had someone to do them for me back home because I was undeniably spoiled, but my parents made sure that I would know how to handle myself It's a luxury that Jamie didn't get to have.

"By the time you turn eighteen you'll have learned so much," I tell him, resting my cheek against his head again. "And you'll be ready. But until then you can always come here."

"I think technically you're supposed to sign us out," I said, laughing softly. "I think Eddie and I are probably going to get into some trouble when we get back to the Home."

We had already gotten into trouble for sleeping in the same bed and although there had been extenuating circumstances on New Year's Eve, they hadn't been particularly pleased about us staying out all night then either. I had explained that we had been under attack and had barricaded ourselves in a closet, so there was no punishment, but I knew they wouldn't believe a story like that again.

"But I know what you mean," I added. It meant we had a safe place. Somewhere with people we could trust. That meant a lot to me and I knew it meant a lot to Eddie, too.

"I can sign you out?" I ask, obviously delighted. "And here I thought you'd just be getting in trouble every time. I'm happy to do that. Just let me know when."

Still, I don't like the though of them being in trouble at all, especially not for something so innocent as wanting to be in each other's company after a hard night.

"Do you want me to call them? Give them an excuse?" I ask, more than willing to give it a shot. "What kind of punishments do they cook up in a group home, anyway?"

My parents were never really all that good at punishing me. They could ground me but it's not as if they could take away my books, and most of the time I liked those just as much as being outside anyway.

"Not much, really," I answered. "They give us chores for the most part, which I don't mind anyway. I had to clean the bathroom for a week after the last fight I got into, but then it just means the bathroom is cleaner than it usually is, which is a good thing."

Truthfully, I had kept up with cleaning it. Not every day, like the punishment had been, but every second or third day, I made sure to wipe things down and clean the toilets and wipe the spots off the mirrors.

"Once they took away my phone, but I don't use it enough for that to be much of a punishment," I admitted.

"You're such a good boy," I tease with a brotherly grin, giving him a squeeze and tickling his side with a laugh. "If you ever get the urge to clean another bathroom, there's one here for you."

At the mention of his phone, I let out a groan and look over at mine. It's sitting on the table next to my empty coffee cup displaying the time, and I reach out to turn it onto its face.

"I went my entire life without having anything like a cell phone, and now I'm kind of addicted to the thing," I tell him, turning my gaze back over to him. "I like how it lets me be connected to people, and how it puts every song I could ever want in my pocket."

I didn't think I needed to be that connected to people. I liked that I could call people or text them and that they could reach me, but so many of the kids at school were always using their phones for something. I didn't think my phone was that interesting and I didn't know much about music, so I didn't have any of it on my phone.

"I like podcasts," I said, brightening a little. "That's the best part of my phone."

But podcasts didn't go anywhere if they took my phone away for a little while. They would all be there when I got it back.

"There are some interesting podcasts. I like one about history," I tell Jamie, looking over at him with a teasing smile.

"You have to have some pictures of your boyfriend on there?" My smile grows wider and I give him a playful poke in the side. "That's not the best part?"

"Well, I like that part, but I can see Eddie in person all the time," I said. The pictures were nice, but they were only pictures. Eddie himself was much better and while we didn't have classes together, we were at the same school and we lived at the same place.

"I've gotten very good at sneaking into and out of his room," I told Elio with a sly grin. "They tried to separate us, but they can't really stop me from going into his room at night."

And now they had privacy they hadn't before.

"I take pictures of Oliver all the time," I say with a laugh, because even though I see him every day, I like to capture those memories of us. It's so easy to do with a phone, to snap a photo and have it right there in your pocket forever, and I haven't gotten over the novelty.

I laugh outright at Jamie's mischievous little grin, because I know exactly what such a smile would mean on my own face. "Very sneaky," I tell him. "You two are very sweet."

After ruffling Jamie's hair, I twist around to look through the window. From this angle I can see Eddie's foot hanging off of the sofa, and Oliver is still nowhere to be seen. "I wonder if they'll sleep all day. Perhaps we wore them out."

I wrinkled my nose at Elio and my cheeks flushed as I pushed against his side, not to get away, but to give him a gentle shove for what he had just said.

"We didn't- I mean... not that. Not on your couch." We had kissed a lot and maybe some other stuff, but I didn't think it was polite to do too many sex things on someone else's couch. It hadn't felt very private either, far too exposed, and I preferred knowing it was just me and Eddie.

"He can sleep a lot, though," I said, looking fondly at his foot through the window. "Everyone at the Home keeps saying we sleep a lot because we're growing, but I haven't grown much since I got here."

“Hey, I’ve had some very exhausting make out sessions. You’re the one implying things,” I say, laughing as he shoves me. “And don’t worry, that couch has seen worse.”

I laugh again because it’s so fun to tease Jamie. It’s always with fondness, as I’m sure he knows. It’s probably terrible of me, but he’s just such an easy target.

We settle down and I twist around to follow Jamie’s gaze. Eddie has grown even in the time that I’ve known him, and he’s still got awhile to go. “Yeah, when I was about fourteen, I spent almost a whole summer sleeping and eating because I grew so fast.”

I shoot him a look. “Not as fast as you, of course.”

"Well, that was different," I said, because I didn't think anyone went from eight to twelve nearly overnight, then from twelve to sixteen in a matter of weeks. If not for coming to Darrow, I suspected I would have become a full grown man not long after that, but it was if this city had somehow halted it. Made it so I was aging properly for the first time since I was truly eight years old.

"Do you think I'll grow more still?" I asked. "I was five feet and ten inches the last time I was measured. I think I would like to be taller than this, but not yet. Eddie could catch up a little bit more first."

I didn't mind that he was shorter than me. I just didn't want him to feel like he was too small.

"Well, I would assume that you'd catch up to me, and I'm still creeping up a little," I tell him. Most of my growing is done, I think, but I've gained about another inch in my time in Darrow. "So a little, but not much more."

That is, of course, assuming that Jamie and I really are identical. All evidence points to it. We have the same moles, the same freckles. I'm sure we'll have the same height once all is said and done. It used to be unsettling, having this copy of myself, but I've gotten used to it as just another eccentricity of the city, and I'm grateful to have Jamie in my life.

"Or maybe all the coffee and cigarettes have stunted my growth, and you'll be a giant," I tease, pulling my feet up onto the loveseat and tucking my toes under the blanket. "But I doubt it. I would like to leave the being a giant to Oliver."

"How tall are you?" I asked, looking at Elio curiously. For the most part, I didn't pay much attention to how tall people were, but I was curious if we really would end up being the same height. We looked alike, but we had different parents, after all. My father had been a very tall man and my mother had been tall, too.

"Oliver's not really a giant," I added. "He's about the same height as my dad was. It seemed giant when I was little."

Now it just seemed tall. Pretty tall. I didn't think I wanted to be that tall.

"Six foot even." The comment about Oliver makes me smile and I nod my head. "I like that he's so tall."

I twist to look at Eddie's foot again, bit like a puppy's paw, and chuckle softly. "I wonder what he's going to top out at."

I looked at Eddie's foot as well and shrugged, smiling. I didn't care how tall or short Eddie was, because I loved him exactly as who he was and who he would be. There were times when other people at school made it seem like our relationship wouldn't last that long, they said no one stayed together for that long in high school, but I wasn't going to listen to them. Our relationship was ours and no one else's.

And I loved him just for being him.

"Maybe he'll be as tall as Oliver," I said, grinning. "Taller."

“Oh, that’d be a sight,” I say with a laugh. I don’t think it’ll necessarily happen, because I would think he’d be taller by now if he were, but stranger things have happened.

I reach over and tap Jamie’s foot through the blanket before I gather up my things and move to stand. “Come on, let’s go wake up our respective others. Maybe I can get Oliver to make us pancakes.”

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[morning after mardi gras]

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