lost_boy | (no subject)

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I didn't like any of this.

It wasn't the snow that bothered me so much, even though it was far colder than it should have been for the month of June, and it was too cold for it to be pleasant, but the lack of light. The sun was barely rising at all and not until noon, when it disappeared soon after. Sometimes, if the wind was blowing hard enough, the snow almost entirely blocked it out and it was like there was no daylight whatsoever.

I wasn't afraid of the dark. For so long I had lived on an Island with nothing but fires to guide our way after the sun slipped behind the horizon and even that had become pointless once I had learned all the paths and routes the Island had to offer. I had spent much of my life moving about in the dark and it didn't bother me. This darkness felt heavy, though. It seemed like everyone noticed. We were all more subdued than usual and the Home was quiet even when it was full of people.

Nearly everyone was spending all their waking hours in the rec room. It felt safer there, all of us gathered, and when the power went out, which it was doing every few hours, it meant it would be easier to stay warm grouped together, too.

But I felt restless. Eddie and I were sitting together, the power blessedly on for the moment, although the room was still cool from the last blackout and we were under a blanket. I was trying to read, but I couldn't focus, and so after a few moments I touched Eddie's leg under the blanket and then nodded toward the rec room door. I didn't know where I wanted to go, just that I had to get away from everyone else for a little while.

"Jamie?" one of the volunteers asked as I stood.

"I just need something to drink," I told her with a smile. "It's okay, we're just going to the kitchen."

She nodded and smiled back at us. "Can you bring some of the juice boxes back for the little ones?" She knew me well, knew I wouldn't be able to resist doing something to help the littler kids and that asking me to do so would guarantee I would come back sooner rather than later. It made me grin a little helplessly despite myself and I nodded before taking Eddie's hand.

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None of them had been outside in days, and Eddie was starting to freak the hell out. Not that he wanted to go out there with a bunch of monsters and that weird glittery snow, but it felt more and more like all the days his mother kept him trapped inside the house, afraid he might skin his knee or catch a cold or have too much fun.

So, as much as he liked being huddled under a blanket with Jamie, he was glad for the excuse to get up and move around. Blowing out a grateful breath, Eddie clutched at Jamie's hand, rolling his eyes a little at the dopey grin on his boyfriend's face.

"Ugh, now we'll have to come back," he said in a hissed whisper, his sneakers squeaking on the hallway's vinyl flooring.

I shook my head and said, "She'll forget. All the kids are there, someone will distract her."

I would go back eventually and I would bring the juice boxes she had asked for, but I wasn't going to be in any sort of rush. My muscles were tight and tense, as if I might need to spring into action at any time, and maybe that would turn out to be true, but feeling this restless was beginning to make it difficult for me to just sit around. I had too much energy and the only ways I knew how to deal with it were to move around the Home.

Or to make out with Eddie a little bit.

"Come here," I said, pulling him into the kitchen. No one was inside and it was dark, but the moon was reflecting off the snow outside and sent enough light in through the windows that I could see Eddie just fine. With the door closed behind us, I reached for his other hand, then pulled him close so I could kiss him.

Edited 2019-06-03 21:22 (UTC)

Eddie let out a muffled sound, and with his mouth still pressed clumsily to Jamie's, he stumbled backward in the dark, a gasp caught in his throat as his back hit the huge, industrial fridge.

His cheeks flushed and he tilted his head to get the angle right, his hands clutching at the hem of Jamie's sweater. When he finally pulled back, it was with another gasp, his head thumping back against the metal door behind him.

He smiled a little, slipping a hand through Jamie's hair. The light inside the kitchen was soft, the glittering snow visible through the windows, and Eddie realized it was actually kind of nice.

Playing with one of the curls that had fallen across Jamie's forehead, Eddie let out a soft, wistful smile and said, "You're so pretty," like he couldn't quite believe or understand it.

I wasn't at all expecting that and I smiled, bright and surprised, a flush racing across my cheeks. Some of the girls at school told me I was cute sometimes, but they all knew about Eddie, so it felt harmless, like they didn't actually mean it because they knew I would never do anything. But Eddie said it, said I was pretty, and I knew he meant it, even if I didn't think I was. It didn't matter what I thought of myself, because Eddie thought it and I believed him.

"You are," I answered, one of my hands on the side of Eddie's neck, my thumb stroking across his skin. "Sometimes I pretend to do homework and I just look at you instead." I felt like I wasn't saying it properly, like that didn't encompass how much I loved to look at him, how I wanted to press my lips against each and every last freckle across the bridge of his nose.

I rested my forehead against Eddie's, still grinning rather helplessly, and I found I felt better than I had in the rec room. So much better.

"I love you, Eddie," I said. I wanted to say it all the time, but it was difficult when we didn't often get to be alone. I had to say it now, while I had the chance. While we weren't being watched, while our friends weren't around to tease us if they heard it. Right now it was just me and him.

"No I'm not," Eddie argued breathlessly, his cheeks turning a darker shade of red. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth and he struggled not to grin. If he didn't get a handle on it, he was pretty sure he would smile so wide that it would split his face right in two.

"Yeah, you do that because you're bored," he said, rolling his eyes playfully. He'd thought the same thing so many times over the last few months, but right then, he couldn't remember ever feeling so happy.

"I love you, too," he answered in a rush, surging forward to catch the corner of Jamie's lips in a clumsy kiss. "I really do."

Edited 2019-06-07 02:36 (UTC)

"No," I answered, laughing as he kissed me, then pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and then the bridge of his nose. "No, I do it because I like looking at you. Because when you're looking down and reading I can see the freckles on your nose and it makes me feel... I don't know, it makes me feel good. Inside."

I knew Eddie loved me. It felt good to be so sure of something, to know I loved him and that this was what it felt like when someone really and truly cared. I had begun to feel that with Charlie and Sal, but it was so much bigger with Eddie, and I treasured it.

Someone would probably come check on us soon, but I wanted to take advantage of this time alone, so I ducked my head and kissed Eddie again, deeper this time. My hand found one of his, threading our fingers together, and we only parted when I thought I heard a noise behind me. I turned, glancing over my shoulder at the window.

"Is someone coming?" I asked, even though the sound had come from the window, not the hall.

"What?" Eddie straightened up, his eyes wide with alarm as he reflexively reached down to try and straighten his clothes. His cheeks were still pink and his heart was hammering with more than just anticipation of being caught. In fact, being caught wouldn't change that the last few minutes had been well worth the risk.

"I don't hear anything," he admitted, frowning, but he could've sworn he saw something moving around outside the window. It was too dark out there to see anything, the window fogged up with ice, but there was definitely a shadow or something.

"Um..." He gripped the hem of Jamie's shirt, holding his breath as he peered out the window. "Maybe we should—"

I didn't want to go, I wanted to spend more time alone with Eddie, maybe even sneak away up to his bedroom, but I nodded all the same. Something was out there. Whatever it was probably wouldn't come inside, but I didn't want to run the risk. There were monsters that had come with the snow and although I was no more afraid of them than I had been of the Many-Eyed, I knew better than to risk a confrontation for no reason.

Still watching the window, I backed toward the door with my hand on Eddie's arm, bringing him with me. We would have to tell someone there was something lurking outside.

Just then, there was a tapping at the window, as if someone was using one very long and sharp nail to make the sound. I froze beside Eddie and tried to think of what I could use in the kitchen as a weapon.

"I hear you in there, little ones," a voice came, muffled through the window's glass. "You can't run far."

"The hell we can't, you freak," Eddie countered, without even thinking, his heart lodged in the back of his throat as he crowded Jamie towards the door. There was a cackle, and Eddie turned to look at Jamie, his eyes wild, just as a rock came sailing through the window and the creature hurled itself into the kitchen after it.

It was small, barely four feet, but it carried a long, pointed spear, and its green lips were peeled back in a wicked grin, exposing long, dripping, needle-like teeth.

Eddie shrieked. In terror, of course, but he was also furious. Everything had been so nice, and so peaceful, and now it was all ruined.

The knives. I had to get to the knives.

There was a locked cabinet in the kitchen where they kept any utensils that could be used as weapons. I didn't think anyone in the Home would have been the violent sort, but I sometimes thought they were more worried we might use the knives on ourselves instead of on each other and I understood why they were locked away.

I didn't tell Eddie to run. I knew he wouldn't and I had learned that lesson during that awful film at Halloween. Eddie was here by my side and as much as I wanted him to just be safe, it made me feel stronger knowing he wouldn't leave me alone.

"Stay back," I said to the creature as I tried to edge toward the locked knife cabinet. I hoped Eddie knew where I was trying to go.

"Oh, I don't think I will," the goblin said, grinning wide, very pleased with itself for this find: Two sweet, tender boys to take back home to its master.

Eddie shuddered, disgust constricting his throat, but then he caught Jamie's eyes flickering towards the cabinet, and he knew he couldn't let himself get too worked up over how the thing looked, or smelled, or what it clearly wanted to do to them.

His own eyes darting around, Eddie's focus was drawn by a heavy bottomed cookie sheet sitting on the counter by the stove, just within reach. Lunging for it, he grabbed it with both hands, and without stopping to reconsider what it was about to do, he swung it hard at the goblin, aiming for the side of its head.

The flat side of the metal pan hit with a metallic wobble, knocking the goblin onto its side with an angry shriek, its spear clattering to the linoleum floor. For one joyous second, Eddie thought it might land within his reach, but instead, it rolled across the floor, coming to a stop wedged beneath the industrial refrigerator.

The sound of the pan hitting the creature rang out in the kitchen, as did its shriek of pain, and I was sure it would bring people running to help us. We didn't need help, though. My chest surged with warmth and pride even as I took the opportunity to dart for the cabinet with the knives. The spear was just too far away for either of us to reach, but maybe I could draw the monster away with my break from Eddie.

It worked better than I had anticipated. The creature leapt to its feet and grabbed for me as I passed, sharp nails raking my calf and tearing through my jeans. Blood welled up in the wounds, the pain sharp and burning, but I kept going. I couldn't stop.

My hands closed around the handles of the cabinet and I yanked, trying to bust it open. Behind me I could hear the creature screeching at me, grabbing at my pants, yanking me back. All I could do was hope Eddie had taken the opening.

The creature collected itself way too quickly, leaping up onto its feet and swiping its claws across Jamie's thigh.

Eddie saw red.

Snarling, he hurled the cookie sheet at the creature's back, knowing it would bounce off, mostly ineffectually. That wasn't his plan, anyway. He needed a better weapon. Something heavier. Something like the cast iron skillet hanging from a peg on the other side of the stove.

The creature reared on him, but he threw his weight forward, stumbling on ungainly legs, his hands closing around the skillet and hefting it up by its handle. It was heavy, even moreso than it looked, and he stumbled a step backwards as he heaved it overhead, then brought it down with a hard thunk against the creature's head.

The goblin screamed, its arms flailing, catching Eddie on the cheek with its long claws. Eddie screamed back, furious, levering the skillet up again and bringing it down. Finally, with the the third blow, there was a sickening crack, a wet squelch, and the goblin crumbled to the floor. Panting raggedly, with black blood splattered across his face, Eddie let go of the skillet and fell back hard onto his ass, eyes wild as he looked past all the green gore to where his boyfriend stood.

I had stopped trying to tear open the locked cabinet with the first heavy blow Eddie delivered to the monster. Turning on my heel, prepared to fight bare handed if I needed to, I had my fists raised when I saw Eddie hit it again and again with the heavy iron skillet.

It was a good weapon. A smart thing to grab. The creature dropped to the ground with a crack and a gurgle, then stopped moving. Beyond it, there was Eddie, still holding the weapon. I was proud and terrified and when he dropped the skillet and fell back, I went for him.

I knelt in the blood and the gore, ignored the way it seeped into the knees of my jeans, and lifted my hands to Eddie's face. He was bleeding from a scratch on his cheek and I wiped blood away as best I could, focused more on the monster's blood than on Eddie's.

"You saved me," I said breathlessly. I wasn't surprised he had, but I wanted him to hear it. I wanted him to know what he had done. To remember it. "Eddie, you saved me. You stopped it."

"It wanted to hurt you," he said hollowly, his hands reaching up to curl around Jamie's wrists. There was a worrying moment where he felt nothing at all, his ears ringing and his heart hammering in his chest, then the taunt string inside of him snapped and he let out a sound that was equal parts hysterical laughter and relieved sob.

"It was going to hurt you," he said more fiercely, because he'd known it. The look in the creature's eyes had told him everything. It wanted Jamie, not him, and it would've dragged him away somewhere. Forever.

Outside the door, there was a thundering rush of footsteps. The door banged open and two volunteers, along with one of the full time caretakers, bustled inside. There was a lot of shouting then, a lot of shrieking and worry and hands touching them both, but all Eddie could see was Jamie.

Edited 2019-06-12 14:44 (UTC)

"Stop it," I said to the volunteer who was trying to help us to our feet. "Just stop, just leave him for a minute."

I knew they were only trying to help and so I kept my voice mild, knowing that if I sounded like I was angry, they would never listen to me. They wanted what was best for us and I knew it, but sometimes they worried too much and didn't understand that a little space was needed.

The caretaker glanced at us, but then went to the window instead, beginning to the task of getting it boarded up by directing the volunteers down to the basement for supplies. Wind howled through the hole, snow billowed into the room, but I just inched myself closer to Eddie and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

"Thank you," I whispered. Tonight they would have to lock me in my room to keep me from staying with him. Tonight I wasn't sure if they would really protest.

"I'm okay," Eddie promised, his voice soft but steady as he threw his arms around Jamie's shoulders.

Frowning into Jamie's collar, he said, "We look out for each other. I wasn't going to just stand there while you got hurt."

He thought not of the clown, then, but of his mother and how it had felt to finally stand up for her. In that moment, long before he'd descended into the well beneath Neibolt, he'd known that he would do anything to protect his friends.

Anything to protect the people he loved.

"We do," I agreed, then smiled and wiped more blood from Eddie's cheek. "We look out for each other."

For so long it had felt as if I was the only one who ever looked out for anyone. I had to keep Peter from doing anything too foolish, I had to look out for the other boys, for Charlie, and while I knew they cared for me and would have even fought the monster, they wouldn't have done it for me. They would have done it for the fight. For the adventure.

This felt so much better.

"You two need to get cleaned up," one of the volunteers said and I looked up at her and nodded. Eddie's cheek was bleeding and I knew my calf still was as well, but I didn't want them to separate us.

"We'll go up to the bathroom," I answered, then slowly got to my feet and held my hands out to Eddie. "We'll be okay."

They looked ready to argue, but something held them back. Maybe it was Jamie's calm, his steady authority, which made him sound older than he was. Or, at least older than he looked.

Sometimes it hit Eddie that Jamie really was older. Old, old. He'd spent all those years on the island, and maybe his body hadn't aged, but his mind had to have, at least a little. So, while they were on even ground for most things, there were moments, especially in crisis, where Jamie spoke like a leader. Even more so than Bill Denbrough, who'd seemed more like a grownup than most of their parents, even when they were elementary school.

Eddie nodded, taking Jamie's hand and hauling himself unsteadily to his feet, and before the staff could rethink their permissiveness, Eddie herded Jamie out the door and into the hall, the two of them shuffling clumsily in the direction of the stairs.

"You probably need stitches," Eddie whispered, "I'll kill stuff, but I'm not doing that."

He'd killed something. Really killed it. He wondered if he should've felt guilty or at least conflicted. Mostly, he felt a little woozy, and really, really glad Jamie was okay.

For some reason, probably the adrenaline that was only now beginning to wear off, I found myself giggling softly. My calf was throbbing in time with my pulse and I didn't know whether or not I really would need stitches, but it was unreasonably funny to me that that's where Eddie drew the line.

"We'll clean it up and look at it first," I said as we helped each other up the stairs and into the shared restroom with the showers and sinks. I had to undo my jeans and peel them down carefully, avoiding the long slashes up the length of my calf, but when I twisted to get a better look at them they turned out not to be as bad as I had feared. The angry scar on my thigh from where Peter had stabbed me was worse.

"I'll be okay," I told Eddie, then wet a cloth in the sink and brought it over to him, hesitating just for a moment before I gently began to wipe some of the blood from his cheek. He had saved me. I loved him so much.

Standing in front of the mirror while Jamie took off his jeans, Eddie leaned in to look at the claw marks on his cheek, his nose wrinkling with disgust. They weren't deep at all, really nothing more than three deep scratches, but there was blood dripping down his cheek, bright red against his pale face.

Weird than the gash was the wild look in his eyes. It almost felt like looking at a different person.

Stepping away from the sink, Eddie curled a hand around Jamie's wrist as he moved in close, pressing a trembling kiss to his lips. "It's fine," he insisted, "Yours is way worse. Let me look at it."

I had a feeling we could stand here all night, arguing over who was worse off and who got to help who, so I only smiled faintly and nodded when Eddie asked to look at the scratches on my calf. I turned so he could see them better, wishing they would at least stop bleeding soon. It wasn't much, the flow was thick and sluggish, and I knew it was close to stopping, but it hadn't stopped yet and I didn't want that to worry Eddie more than it should have.

"I never knew what it was like before you," I said, the words coming easier now that I was faced away from Eddie. That felt silly, like I was a little kid, because I wanted to say all these things to Eddie, but sometimes I was afraid. I couldn't be afraid now, not when he had been so brave down in the kitchen. "Having someone who wanted to keep me safe. Before you... the boys on the Island were my friends, but I was always the one looking out for them. If I had gotten sick like so many of them did, I know none of them would have taken care of me the way I did for them."

I paused, then shrugged a little. "But you would. If I needed you, you'd be there."

Settling on his haunches, Eddie took the wet rag from Jamie's hand and used a clean end of it to dab at the blood on his calf, a shuddering sigh caught in his chest. He tired not to think about it too hard— about what would've happened if Jamie had really gotten sick or hurt on the island. If they would've left him to suffer, they really couldn't have been very good friends, could they?

Eyes prickling with tears, Eddie blinked them away as best they could, trying and failing to sniffle discretely. "We should really go to the nurse," he said, reaching out to touch the deeper grove of the old scar on Jamie's leg. High on his thigh was a dark mole, just below the bottom hem of his underwear, and Eddie's cheeks flushed when he realized that he was basically eye-level with Jamie's butt.

"Do you think it's really that bad?" I asked, twisting a little to look at Eddie behind me. He touched my old scar, the one from Peter, the one that had been bleeding so terribly when I arrived and I shivered a little. Most of the time I didn't think about my scars very often. They weren't as plentiful as perhaps they should have been on someone who had lived like me, but most had had such a long time to fade. The one on my thigh and the small, circular burns on my arm had been fresh, though, when I arrived in Darrow, and they were still here. They were here to stay, I thought.

Still looking back at Eddie, I found myself grinning. This was always how I'd felt after escaping the pirates, only it was better. The elation that came with winning a fight was increased tenfold, because it was Eddie who had won it instead of me.

"Are you looking at my butt?" I asked, teasing. It was stupid. I was being stupid. But I felt good. I felt alive. I wiggled my butt at Eddie and then laughed.

"I don't know, I at least need my first aid kit," Eddie said, prodding at what looked to be the deepest scratch. Jamie was right that it probably didn't need stitches, but Eddie didn't even want to think about the bacteria that might've been under those claws.

There was no way that thing ever washed its hands.

At Jamie's teasing, Eddie's cheeks darkened and he choked on a laugh, his voice a strangled squawk as he said, "It's right in my face, what do you think?"

It really was right there, and feeling bold, Eddie reached out, gripping one of Jamie's wiggling butt cheeks and giving him a playful shove.

"You're a freak," he accused, without any heat.

"I think you look at my butt even when it's not right in your face," I answered, laughing when he shoved me gently. I kind of liked how it felt, having Eddie grab me like that and my cheeks flushed even as I was laughing.

"I think you look at my butt every chance you get," I teased. "I look at your butt."

I was being both silly and sincere. I did look at Eddie any chance I could. All of Eddie. His face, his arms, his hands, his butt, his legs, any part of him I could see, I liked to look. The girls in my class sometimes teased me, because they would often catch me staring at him from across the library if we were both in there, but forced to sit separately because of our classes.

"Yeah, because I'm a freak," he admitted, grinning as he pushed to his feet. With the adrenaline fading away, and with the knowledge that they were both okay, he was left feeling sort of giddy. Throwing his arms around Jamie's neck, he pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek and said, "Come on. I've got better stuff upstairs."

Antibacterial ointment and gauze and little butterfly bandages. They'd gotten on his case about hording first aid supplies a few times, but they'd mostly given up on it a while ago.

I loved him. I loved him so much and he had saved me.

I wrapped my arms around him in return, though it was only for a moment before I was collecting my shoes and my jeans from the floor. It seemed silly to get dressed again, mostly because my jeans were torn and bloodied, and I thought with all the chaos downstairs no one would even notice that I was walking around in my underwear. I hooked my clothes over my arm, then took Eddie's hand and headed for the stairs.

"Why do you think that thing broke in here?" I asked. "It sounded like it wanted us for something."

I wasn't anything special. Eddie was sweet and smart and strong, but I was just Jamie. I had done horrible things and was still trying to make up for it all.

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