lost_boy | (no subject)

A lot of the time I had a difficult time really communicating my feelings. I knew anger and I knew love, I knew happiness and sadness, but trying to put those things into words wasn't always easy for me. It was better than it used to be, I was better. I had a therapist and I was older and it wasn't that I was angry with myself right now for not being able to articulate everything I felt.

I just knew I wanted to get it right.

Elio wouldn't judge me, though, if I struggled. Elio never judged me. It was truly what having a real brother was like, even without having ever had one, I could say that with certainty. I just knew.

Which is why I was there. I showed up at the bookstore after hours, but went up the stairs on the side of the building that led to the outside door of the apartment upstairs. Elio knew I was coming, but I still didn't just burst in. I knocked politely, then put my cold hand in my pocket and waited for him to let me in.

I still didn't know how to say what I was feeling, but Elio would help me figure it out.

And I had brought him dinner.

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I wrinkled my nose at Elio, even though I knew exactly what he meant and I knew he was right. Eddie had gotten much more comfortable with the physical aspects of our relationship and I had never once pushed him or asked for anything that made him uncomfortable. I had let him guide what we did and let him decide when he was ready.

And he was ready in many ways. Readier than I expected sometimes. Not that I was going to say that out loud right now.

"Well, I wasn't planning on calling you the night of," I teased back, because that was both vague and extremely telling. Then I stuck my tongue out and clinked our glasses again before I took a sip.

"Well, I should hope not," I reply with a laugh. Jamie isn't much of a gossip in general, but certainly not about his sex life, which at times I find disappointing simply because I am a nosy, sick person and I like hearing those sorts of details. I do know that they aren't as-- well, adventurous-- in bed (or out of bed) as me and Oliver, so I try not to pry even if I want to.

But-- I know how Eddie is about the possibility of germs. Do he and Jamie rim each other? Do they even know that men do that to each other? I didn't, not until Oliver showed me. I am suddenly immensely curious about his, and I have to remind myself that we're talking about love, not sex. The two get so confused for me sometimes.

"Besides, I'm sure that I'll be busy that night," I tell him, teasing and smug all at once. "Santa's not the only thing coming down my chimney on Christmas Eve, if you know what I mean."

Okay, that one was just to see what kind of face he'll make. As a treat for me.

The champagne went straight up my nose when I inhaled sharply, caught somewhere between horror and amusement. It was, by far, the grossest and strangest way I had ever heard anyone describe sex and I wanted to kick Elio for it, but I was too busy choking on the bubbles in my sinuses.

"You're a jerk!" I declared, still coughing and laughing all at the same time. "Oh my god."

I loved him so much. In every ridiculous thing he said with the hopes of making me choke or laugh or be horrified, I loved every single part of Elio.

Jamie's reaction makes me cackle with delight, tossing my head back to laugh at his red cheeks and runny nose, wet with inhaled champagne. It feels like a good brotherly moment, me teasing him about sex and grossing him out, and that makes me deliriously happy. I never thought I'd know what it felt like to have a brother, but Darrow has given me one. It's given me Oliver, even if there was a hiccup there. This city can be so cruel, but I can't hate it. Not entirely.

"You love me," I say with a laugh, lunging forward to throw my arms around him to give him a tight squeeze. "You love me so damn much."

"Ugh," I said, batting at Elio with both my hands before I grabbed him up into a hug. "I do love you. Even though you're a bloody jerk to me."

I clearly didn't mean my words. There wasn't a time in my life here that Elio had been a jerk to me. He liked to tease and I liked to pretend it was the worst thing in the world, but I knew well what it was really like, being friends with someone who was cruel. Elio would never and could never be like Peter.