lost_boy | (no subject)

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beverly

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I tended to sneak out a lot less these days than I had when I first arrived in Darrow. For the most part I slept better, I felt more comfortable, and I wasn't as jumpy as I had once been, but every so often I still grew restless at night. I wanted to run through fields and stretch my legs. I wanted to swim with mermaids and fight pirates, my dagger slashing through the air. I didn't want to go back to the Island, not ever, but sometimes I wanted to be that boy again.

It wasn't possible in Darrow, but I still knew I needed to get out. I texted Beverly, asking if she'd want to meet me, because right from the start, she had been the one I escaped with. We had snuck out together, wandering the streets late at night, and it still felt right, that she be the one I go with when I felt like this.

I slipped out with ease, though not before I folded a note into Eddie's hand so he knew where I had gone if he woke up and found me missing.

Even with spring approaching, the night was cool and refreshing, and I exhaled deeply once I was outside on the street. Immediately I began to feel better, and I walked slowly, taking care to stretch my arms and legs as I went, wandering toward Beverly's apartment to meet her.

I didn't know what we might do, but I assumed we would find something.

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Back when she lived at the Home, Beverly used to sneak out all the time. It wasn't that she ever really felt unsafe there, but she liked to know that she could, and to get a little privacy — alone or with a friend — that was rarely afforded to her within those walls. At home, she always had to fight to find that, too, and, she reasoned, it's not like they could have kicked her out. There would have been nowhere else for her to go then. Now, living with Hopper, she doesn't feel the need to sneak out nearly as often. She's far more comfortable there than she was at the Home, and she cares far more about not pissing him off than she ever did about the Home's staff.

Still, the same principle applies: She likes to know that she can. Besides, these days, she feels like a mess, though she works hard to hide it. She feels like a spring coiled too tightly, something under pressure and ready to burst, liable to do so at the slightest provocation. Getting out is a good chance to try to clear her head, and it's a hell of a lot better than the nightmares she has every night. So when Jamie texts her, she doesn't hesitate to agree, seizing on a perfect excuse to do what she might have been tempted to anyway.

She's cautious as she slips outside, making her way slowly and carefully down the fire escape, not wanting to make any noise. Once she's down on the sidewalk, though, she lets out a relieved breath, fishing a crumpled pack of cigarettes out of the bottom of her bag. Her attempts at quitting haven't been going so well lately; they, too, make her feel a little less tense, a little more able to breathe easily, something she badly needs.

When Jamie approaches, she smiles, lifting one hand in a wave. "I take it you got out okay?"

"Hi," I said, grinning at Beverly as I nodded. "It makes me feel a little guilty, because it seems like they don't really notice, and I wouldn't want to get any of the workers there in trouble, but it's never been hard to get out of there. Not since you showed me the best way."

I didn't mind living at the Home. I liked being close to most of my friends and I liked knowing someone was always around if I needed them, even in the middle of the night. The prospect of leaving, even with Eddie, was still kind of daunting and I did my best not to think about it too much, even though I knew avoidance wasn't going to help me at all.

"What about you?" I asked, looking up at her building as we walked away from it. I didn't really know Hopper well, but he seemed like the sort of man who might be overprotective.

"It was fine, I just had to be careful," Beverly says with a shrug. Part of her feels a little guilty, and an even smaller part of her feels a little worries, not wanting him to wake up and find her gone and freak out about it. That's what cell phones are for, though, and she's made sure to keep hers with her just in case. Hopefully it won't matter anyway, though. She just wants to relax for a while, clear her head, and hang out with one of her best friends. Even if all they do is wander around for a couple hours, it will be a nice reprieve.

She shoots Jamie a grin. "So now that we're out, where to?"

"Maybe down toward the beach?" I asked. "I don't have anything in particular planned, I just felt like... I was getting really restless. I wish I could just get out and run like I used to, but..."

I trailed off and shrugged, smiling. Beverly had been to the Island now, she knew what it was like, how things had been for me there. While there had been a certain kind of freedom to be found there, it had also been terrible in so many other ways.

I missed parts of it, though, and I couldn't pretend I didn't. I was willing to give up a lot of the freedom for the life I had here, but sometimes I just needed to get out.

"The beach sounds good," Beverly agrees easily. "Should be nice and quiet out there." She doesn't dislike it when there are people around, but it should give them a lot of space tonight, which seems like it might be good for both of them. Maybe he can't get out and run like he used to, but he can still be out in the open, everything seeming bigger when it's empty. Although Darrow doesn't feel stifling to her the way Derry did, she likes the idea of that, too. Besides, the weather's been getting nicer lately, and it ought to be nice, not too cold, out on the beach.

"Come on," she adds, gently teasing. "We don't want to hang around here too long."

"Yeah, even if a grown up doesn't catch us, Eddie might wake up and find my note and come after us," I said, grinning. I wouldn't mind that at all and neither would Beverly. Eddie wasn't what had bonded us together, she and I had been friends before Eddie and I had, but he was someone we both loved.

It felt good to share that. It was something I wanted to communicate to Richie, too, even if I didn't know if he would want to hear it.

"And he'll probably get caught sneaking out," I added as we headed toward the beach.

"Oh, he would definitely get caught," Beverly says, huffing out a laugh. "Stealth is not really Eddie's strong suit." She remembers abruptly but clearly, like something that was there all along even though she doesn't think it was, the day she first ran into the other Losers in the drugstore, all of them running into and knocking things over as they hustled for the exit while she provided a distraction. It's strange, how long ago it seems. She has a feeling, though, that Eddie trying to sneak out of the Children's Home would look something like that, and that it wouldn't be very successful.

If he did make it, though, and did want to come join them, of course she wouldn't object. She loves all of the boys, of course, but she and Eddie had nearly a year here on their own, without any of the others from home; it's made her feel closer to him as a result, though she probably wouldn't admit that to anyone.

"But I guess we'll see what happens, right?"

"He knows I'm with you. He probably won't freak out or anything," I said, laughing. "I mean, as long as he sees the note."

I was quiet for a moment, enjoying the cool air of the night, inhaling deeply and then exhaling again. Taking a step closer to Beverly, I gave her a gentle nudge with my elbow, a little playful.

"How are things with you?" I asked. "With school and... well, everything, I guess." We hung out a fair bit, but it was always different in a group.

"I don't know, I think he might find something to freak out about," Beverly says with a laugh, one that's teasing in a good-natured sort of way. Eddie is more often than not freaking out about something or other, but he's also one of the closest friends she has, and she would never joke about it in any way meant to actually make fun of him. "But at least he'd know we're together."

At his question, she pauses a moment, masking her hesitation around a drag from her cigarette, one she exhales carefully away from him. She's a fucking mess, but she can't just say that. Once she opens that door, she doesn't think she'll ever be able to close it again. Lately, it's been taking all she has to try to hold all of it at bay, and she isn't about to let her guard down now.

She doesn't really want to lie to a friend, though, either. Instead, she hedges. "They're okay," she answers, which is definitely an overstatement. "I'm really ready for the school year to be over, though. It seems like there's still ages left." Glancing over with a hint of a smile, she asks, "How about you?"

"Okay, maybe he won't freak out too much," I corrected myself, grinning fondly. I loved Eddie so much. I loved everything about him, even when he worried about things I would never worry about. He just cared so much about everyone and wanted to make sure we were always safe and I wished it stressed him out less, but I also understood.

When Beverly answered, it felt a little bit like she wasn't being entirely truthful. I didn't think she was lying exactly, but it didn't feel like the entire truth either. There were times when I wanted to press people and remind them they could talk to me if they needed to, but I also knew that wasn't always the best way to do things. I certainly didn't want to tell everyone everything that was going on.

"They're okay," I echoed. "School's fine, I have to start doing swim meets soon, which will be fun, but everything with Richie..." I trailed off and shrugged, smiling a little sadly. "I wish he could understand I'm not mad at him. It feels awful, not being able to talk to my friend. I can't even imagine how much worse it is for him and Eddie."

"It's weird, right?" Beverly asks, her own voice going softer in turn. She's even further removed from the situation than Jamie is, or at least she feels like it, and the repercussions have still affected her. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if not for everything else going on, or at least she'd be better able to handle it. As it is, it feels like just one more stressor, the fraughtness between her friends making everything that much worse. "I can talk to both of them, but I think Richie's still... not comfortable with people knowing. And no matter how many times he hears that it's fine, who knows how long it will take for him to actually believe it?"

She gets it. The way things were in Derry, of course he'd feel fucked up over being attracted to boys at all, never mind to his best friend. Still, she can't help but wish that things could go back to normal.

"I think maybe he... spent so long expecting people to be mad that he can't really make sense of the fact that they aren't."

"Yeah, it makes sense," I agreed. And I really did understand why Richie would still be uncertain, why he might feel upset and confused even when I told him I wasn't angry with him. I just missed my friend. I missed his voices. I missed trying to do my own American accent, knowing it was terrible, but making him laugh all the same.

"I miss him," I said with a small shrug. "I know it's more complicated than just that, but I miss talking to him."

Then I grinned and bumped my shoulder against Beverly's. "I'm really glad you're not also in love with Eddie. It would suck even more not being able to talk to you."

"Even if I were, I don't think I would stop talking to you because of it," Beverly says, her laugh a little soft given the subject at hand, but the smile she turns to Jamie with a real one. Although she can't really know what she would do under those circumstances, she likes to think she wouldn't let it get in the way like that. She can't blame Richie for it, though. It's different for him, given what it means and what people thought about that sort of thing back home. Her having feelings for Eddie wouldn't have the same baggage attached, just some of the awkwardness.

Just in case, wanting to be as clear as possible, she adds, "I'm definitely not, though. I love Eddie, but not like that."

Her expression grows more serious again then. "I miss Richie, too. He's even been weird with me. I guess because things are weird, or he thinks things are weird, with everyone else."

"I guess it's a lot," I said thoughtfully. The beach was close now, I could smell the salt on the air. "I don't know if I told you much about Sally. I- it's hard to talk about her most of the time."

I paused, trusting Beverly to give me the moment I needed to gather myself for what I wanted to say. Enough time had gone by now that I didn't always feel sad when I thought of Sally, I could instead remember all the fun we had had and what it felt like to have her turn her smile on me, but inevitably I would remember that she was gone now. Ripped violently away from this world.

"When Peter first brought her to the Island, we didn't realize she was a girl," I said. "Peter didn't want girls on the Island, you know what he was like about that. Sally had been dressing as a boy, posing as a boy to survive living on the streets in London and she continued to hide like that even on the Island. That was the first time I realized I could feel like that about a boy or a girl. Because I loved Sal. And I loved Sally. But it was scary at first."

I shrugged. "Richie's had to keep that all bottled up."

It is, in a strange, roundabout way, part of why Beverly has been so quick to sympathize with Richie. She would have understood anyway, or she thinks she would, especially having a bit more distance from the situation than Eddie does. But she has secrets of her own, things she's similarly kept bottled up and felt unable to tell anyone, and she could never hold the same against him. She gets it. The way things were in Derry, of course he struggled with it. Of course, even here, he couldn't talk about it.

"That makes sense," she says, nodding. She's pretty sure Jamie has mentioned Sally before, but he hasn't told her this. "And Eddie, you know, he was freaking out when he told me he liked boys. It was fine, but I think he was scared like Richie was scared." Though she has no doubt that Jamie has been told as much already, she thinks it's worth elaborating anyway. "The way things were in Derry... The way people acted about things like that, it was awful. So different from here. It's hard not to take that to heart."

I nodded, even though I knew I couldn't entirely understand it. Having been only eight when Peter took me from London, my life was something different, something that meant I hadn't experienced many of the things other people had been through. It didn't mean I was without compassion for them all the same, but my understanding was just different.

"It'll get easier with time," I said. It was what everyone else kept saying, but it was valid. It was true. Time would pass and Richie would see no one was angry with him, no one hated him.

It was just difficult to wait in the meantime. I missed him.

"Yeah, it will," Beverly agrees, trying to remind herself of that as much as anything else. Sooner or later, Richie will have to see that no one is mad at him or thinks less of him for any of this. If anything is weird about it, it's just because they didn't know, and even that is totally understandable, at least for her. They'll all get used to it. She doesn't want to let herself consider any other possibilities. With everything they've been through, it just wouldn't be right for something that ultimately isn't that consequential to do any lasting damage.

"He has to get it eventually. That none of us are going anywhere."

There's too much else that's wrong already, too much she can't get out of her head. The idea of any further strain between her friends on top of everything else is just too much.

"I may have cornered him the other day and asked why he wasn't talking to me," I admitted, knowing it hadn't been my finest hour. I had been frustrated, though, and sad. It had felt like the only thing to do, confront the situation head on and deal with the consequences and while I thought Richie had heard me, I wasn't sure it had really done any good.

I had tried, though. He had to see that.

"I was coming into the room and he was there already and I just blurted out that I was tired of not talking to him," I said. "I was tired of him avoiding me. Which he denied."

"Yeah, we all know that's exactly what he's doing," Beverly says, huffing out a laugh with little humor behind it. Even that, she sort of gets. He must have expected people to react a certain way, and kept a distance to try to prevent that from happening, or to try to wait out some of the weirdness while really only making it weirder. It just sucks, feeling like everything is fragmented, just one more way in which everything has felt so upended and unsteady lately.

"Maybe it'll be good, though. For him to have heard from you that things don't have to be so weird. However it happened."

"I hope so," I said as we crossed the boardwalk. I paused at the edge and leaned on the railing, looking out toward the water. "It isn't as if he's trying to break me and Eddie up. I don't know why I would have any reason to be mad otherwise."

I'd liked other people before. At first, I had even liked Beverly a little. Her hair had stunned me, looking like fire, and she'd been so nice to me. Funny and kind. But things changed, I understood that. I wished Richie could see it, too.

"I think Stan is mad because Richie didn't tell him," Beverly says, and something cold twists in her gut at that, a familiar feeling of dread. Her own secrets feel so much worse. With that being the case, she could never have begrudged Richie his. Though she's not sure exactly what went down with Stan and Richie, she's felt that fracture, too, and it's been hard not to draw further in on herself as a result of it. There's so much she hasn't said, and in the face of all of this, she doesn't know how she ever could.

"I just wish things were normal. It feels like they haven't been in ages."

I wanted to say it wasn't fair for Stan to be angry with Richie for that, but I also knew it wasn't fair for me to try and tell someone how to feel. If he was angry, then he was angry, even if I couldn't really understand why.

"Sometimes people think they have to keep secrets, though," I said instead. "To protect themselves. It isn't because they don't trust their friends."

I heaved a sigh, then looked at Beverly and said, "I wish that, too."

Hearing Jamie say that, Beverly can't help but feel a little grateful, though she tries not to let it show. Even if he would understand, even if he wouldn't hold it against her, she isn't ready to admit that she's keeping plenty of secrets of her own, never mind what they are. Besides, she has a feeling that if she let even one thing out, all the rest would come spilling out of her, too. She can't let that happen. She can't put that burden on her friends when they've all had their own shit to be dealing with/

"Yeah," she agrees quietly. "I'm sure that's what it was with Richie. I mean, no one has a problem with Eddie, or with you. There's no reason we would with him."

She sighs in turn. "I guess we just have to wait it out."

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