lost_boy | (no subject)

"They gave me a list," I announced as I walked into Eddie's room, glad to find it otherwise empty, and then flung myself facedown on his bed.

I knew that wasn't going to make sense to him. I hadn't even been aware of the ambush before it was suddenly happening and three of the volunteers were pulling me into the kitchen of the Home to sit down and make a list with me. My eighteenth birthday was still months away and I had decided to focus on school before even beginning to worry about leaving, but apparently that wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.

The volunteers wanted to help me. They wanted to make sure I was prepared. So now I had a list. I wished they understood I didn't need a list of household items to be prepared for having to leave the Home. It went deeper than that, running right down into the fear I had of being alone. Being without a group of people around me at almost all times.

It was something I was working on with my therapist, but it wasn't just going to go away overnight. And it wasn't something I talked about much otherwise, so I knew there was no way for them to know, but making sure I bought myself a set of pots and pans wasn't going to make this easier.

I lifted my hand and waved the list at Eddie, then turned my head so I could look at him.

"They want me to go shopping for some of these things," I said, then sighed. "They said they'll keep them in storage for me until August."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sprawled on his stomach pretending to study for his Geometry final, Eddie jolted, dropping his pencil and turning his head just in time to watch Jamie belly flop onto his mattress with enough force to send one of his books clattering to the floor.

"Hey," he said with a strangled laugh, his annoyance overshadowed by his curiosity over what had Jamie acting like such a drama queen.

"Wait, seriously?" He asked, a weight sinking to the pit of his stomach as he took the list and sat cross-legged on the bed. "That's like, ages away. Why do they want you to do it now?"

"I don't know," I said, sounding more miserable than I really felt as I stretched off the bed to retrieve Eddie's book I'd sent flying. I dropped it on the mattress, then turned onto my back and pulled myself until I was propped up slightly on Eddie's pillows and watched him as he looked at the list.

I wanted him to come with me whenever I decided to go. I wanted him to help me pick the things we would both end up using in the flat, but when I had said as much to the workers they'd exchanged a glance I hadn't much liked. I didn't know what it meant and I didn't ask, because I felt certain that I didn't want to know either.

"I guess they want me to be prepared," I said. "Instead of leaving it all to the very last minute."

"Yeah, but it's almost six months," Eddie said, feeling immediately guilty for how his stomach twisted with nerves.

His fingers felt sweaty on the page, and he stared at it until the letters started to go all blurry.

"Miss James pulled me into the office earlier," he admitted, shoving the list back into Jamie's hands. "She wanted to talk about it. About when you have to move out."

I didn't like that either. It made my stomach twist and I took the list back, then folded it and tucked it into my pocket all without looking away from Eddie.

"Why?" I asked. I wanted to say it wasn't any of her business, except I knew it was, because it was her job to make sure we were taken care of. But I didn't know if I wanted to know what she had to say about it. Some of the workers liked me, but some of the others didn't think I was a good kid and I knew it. It was because of the fighting, even though I hadn't done that in a very long time. And it was because of Tim.

He had been the one in the wrong, but I was still looked at funny because I'd hit a grown up.

"She wanted to know if I'd thought about like, what it would mean to move out. Like, the paperwork and stuff. The responsibilities, I guess," he said, shrugging stiffly. "She thinks we're rushing into it. Like, that I'm not ready, or we're not, you know. Ready to live in the same place."

To live together.

"She said I don't have to do something just because you're doing it, which is... That's not the only reason."

The words hurt. They physically hurt, like someone was pushing on my chest, and I rubbed at my ribs absently, as if trying to massage away the pain. I knew it wasn't Eddie saying these things, I knew he was just repeating what had been said to him, but they hurt all the same. If someone else thought it, maybe he thought it, too.

I wrinkled my nose a little and then rubbed my knuckles against my upper lip, trying to disguise how much it freaked me out to hear that. I didn't even know what to say.

"What did you tell her?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound casual. I failed and it shook a little.

"I told her it wasn't just some stupid whim. We've talked about it," he said, and Jamie was doing a good job of hiding his feelings about the whole thing, but Eddie was his boyfriend. He could tell when the other boy was upset.

"She just kept insisting. Gently. Like she was talking to one of the second floor kids." He rubbed absently at his cheek, a frown etched deep across his brow.

"She thinks I can't take care of myself."

Eddie's words made me feel better and I relaxed, dropping my hand from my mouth back into my lap. I still didn't like hearing that any of the workers thought we didn't know what we were doing, but at least Eddie was annoyed by it, too. It felt like solidarity in a place where it really only needed to be the two of us anyway.

"That's stupid," I said. "You're almost sixteen and you've seen and done more than she has, I bet."

Even if Derry hadn't been an awful, frightening place to live, I had seen Eddie on the Island. I knew how brave he was, how capable. Being a teenager didn't mean he couldn't take care of himself. He'd taken care of me plenty of times, too.

Eddie decided it probably wasn't a good idea to point out that sixteen was still a kid, by most standards, and killing a murderous clown at thirteen hadn't really prepared him for having a job and bills to pay.

"She thinks I haven't thought about any of it. I have a budget. Like, a whole book," he said, twisting around to fish the dog-eared notebook from his bedside table. In it, he'd written down all the things he knew they'd need to pay for each month. All the things they'd be responsible for. All the things that might go wrong. Looking at it for too long kind of freaked him out, but it also really helped him, just knowing he had it. Knowing he was prepared.

At the sight of the notebook, my bad mood all but dissipated entirely, and I fought a grin as I inched closer to Eddie to get a better look at the book. That he had a budget already didn't surprise me in the slightest. I had been working on one for awhile now, although I had to bet his was much more thorough, and I threw both my arms around his body, squishing myself against him and leaning my chin on his shoulder.

"She has no idea who she's talking to," I said in admiration. "You have more figured out than anyone else I know."

I pressed a kiss to his cheek, then leaned back again. "Do you want to go with me to the shops? We can look for some of the stuff on the list."

"Uh, obviously," Eddie said, leaning back to look at Jamie like he'd lost his mind. "I'm not sending you out there on your own. It's supposed to be our place, right? We pick out that stuff together."

He relaxed, leaning his head against Jamie's shoulder.

"We can do this. It's just... I don't know. It sucks that everybody else thinks we're not ready."

"Right," I agreed, smiling to myself as Eddie leaned against me. It was our place. And it would be open to all our friends, with places for them to sleep if they needed to spend the night. I had already looked up online if a couch that turned into a bed was a thing that existed and I had found something called a futon, which did both, and was more affordable than a regular couch.

"Well, I guess... everyone else doesn't know us like we do," I said. "Especially not the grownups. It's their job to take care of us and most of them take it seriously, but it means they're sometimes too much, too, doesn't it?"

Edited 2020-04-20 17:32 (UTC)