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(no subject)
"They gave me a list," I announced as I walked into Eddie's room, glad to find it otherwise empty, and then flung myself facedown on his bed.
I knew that wasn't going to make sense to him. I hadn't even been aware of the ambush before it was suddenly happening and three of the volunteers were pulling me into the kitchen of the Home to sit down and make a list with me. My eighteenth birthday was still months away and I had decided to focus on school before even beginning to worry about leaving, but apparently that wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.
The volunteers wanted to help me. They wanted to make sure I was prepared. So now I had a list. I wished they understood I didn't need a list of household items to be prepared for having to leave the Home. It went deeper than that, running right down into the fear I had of being alone. Being without a group of people around me at almost all times.
It was something I was working on with my therapist, but it wasn't just going to go away overnight. And it wasn't something I talked about much otherwise, so I knew there was no way for them to know, but making sure I bought myself a set of pots and pans wasn't going to make this easier.
I lifted my hand and waved the list at Eddie, then turned my head so I could look at him.
"They want me to go shopping for some of these things," I said, then sighed. "They said they'll keep them in storage for me until August."
I knew that wasn't going to make sense to him. I hadn't even been aware of the ambush before it was suddenly happening and three of the volunteers were pulling me into the kitchen of the Home to sit down and make a list with me. My eighteenth birthday was still months away and I had decided to focus on school before even beginning to worry about leaving, but apparently that wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.
The volunteers wanted to help me. They wanted to make sure I was prepared. So now I had a list. I wished they understood I didn't need a list of household items to be prepared for having to leave the Home. It went deeper than that, running right down into the fear I had of being alone. Being without a group of people around me at almost all times.
It was something I was working on with my therapist, but it wasn't just going to go away overnight. And it wasn't something I talked about much otherwise, so I knew there was no way for them to know, but making sure I bought myself a set of pots and pans wasn't going to make this easier.
I lifted my hand and waved the list at Eddie, then turned my head so I could look at him.
"They want me to go shopping for some of these things," I said, then sighed. "They said they'll keep them in storage for me until August."
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"Hey," he said with a strangled laugh, his annoyance overshadowed by his curiosity over what had Jamie acting like such a drama queen.
"Wait, seriously?" He asked, a weight sinking to the pit of his stomach as he took the list and sat cross-legged on the bed. "That's like, ages away. Why do they want you to do it now?"
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I wanted him to come with me whenever I decided to go. I wanted him to help me pick the things we would both end up using in the flat, but when I had said as much to the workers they'd exchanged a glance I hadn't much liked. I didn't know what it meant and I didn't ask, because I felt certain that I didn't want to know either.
"I guess they want me to be prepared," I said. "Instead of leaving it all to the very last minute."
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His fingers felt sweaty on the page, and he stared at it until the letters started to go all blurry.
"Miss James pulled me into the office earlier," he admitted, shoving the list back into Jamie's hands. "She wanted to talk about it. About when you have to move out."
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"Why?" I asked. I wanted to say it wasn't any of her business, except I knew it was, because it was her job to make sure we were taken care of. But I didn't know if I wanted to know what she had to say about it. Some of the workers liked me, but some of the others didn't think I was a good kid and I knew it. It was because of the fighting, even though I hadn't done that in a very long time. And it was because of Tim.
He had been the one in the wrong, but I was still looked at funny because I'd hit a grown up.
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To live together.
"She said I don't have to do something just because you're doing it, which is... That's not the only reason."
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I wrinkled my nose a little and then rubbed my knuckles against my upper lip, trying to disguise how much it freaked me out to hear that. I didn't even know what to say.
"What did you tell her?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound casual. I failed and it shook a little.
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"She just kept insisting. Gently. Like she was talking to one of the second floor kids." He rubbed absently at his cheek, a frown etched deep across his brow.
"She thinks I can't take care of myself."
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"That's stupid," I said. "You're almost sixteen and you've seen and done more than she has, I bet."
Even if Derry hadn't been an awful, frightening place to live, I had seen Eddie on the Island. I knew how brave he was, how capable. Being a teenager didn't mean he couldn't take care of himself. He'd taken care of me plenty of times, too.
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"She thinks I haven't thought about any of it. I have a budget. Like, a whole book," he said, twisting around to fish the dog-eared notebook from his bedside table. In it, he'd written down all the things he knew they'd need to pay for each month. All the things they'd be responsible for. All the things that might go wrong. Looking at it for too long kind of freaked him out, but it also really helped him, just knowing he had it. Knowing he was prepared.
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"She has no idea who she's talking to," I said in admiration. "You have more figured out than anyone else I know."
I pressed a kiss to his cheek, then leaned back again. "Do you want to go with me to the shops? We can look for some of the stuff on the list."
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He relaxed, leaning his head against Jamie's shoulder.
"We can do this. It's just... I don't know. It sucks that everybody else thinks we're not ready."
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"Well, I guess... everyone else doesn't know us like we do," I said. "Especially not the grownups. It's their job to take care of us and most of them take it seriously, but it means they're sometimes too much, too, doesn't it?"