lost_boy | (no subject)

I am ok. Both hands still here. Thank you for everything.

It seemed so dumb, but I had sent some variation of that text message to everyone I had seen on the Island, wanting them all to know I was safe and whole and that I appreciated everything they had done for me. Thank you really didn't seem like enough, it didn't even come close, but I was too exhausted to think of anything more.

I kept looking at and touching my right hand. After it had happened, I remembered thinking I was owed the injury somehow, that the Island had been waiting for me to come back so it could finish what it had started before I ended up in Darrow, but here I was and my hand was exactly where it used to be. With my left hand, I traced a line around my wrist, following the wound I knew should have been there, but wasn't.

Briefly, I squeezed my eyes closed, shutting them as tight as possible, and when I opened them again, I climbed off my bed and grabbed my coat. My legs felt strange and shaky, but I couldn't do this. I couldn't just sit in my room and stare at the hand I had lost and wonder what it all meant.

The Island was behind me now. I had to leave it there.

I sent additional messages to Elio and to Eddie. I knew Eddie was staying there until he was back in his regular body and it made sense, but I didn't want to be at the Home without him. Right now, he and Elio were the only people I thought I could see without bursting into tears. I wanted to see them all eventually, but not yet. I needed a few days to collect myself first.

Without waiting for an answer from either of them, I grabbed my backpack, shoved in a few extra sets of clothes, my toothbrush, and my bus pass. I left without telling anyone where I was going and took the bus straight to Elio and Oliver's place.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"This place isn't exactly known for its compassion," I reply with a huff. "Maybe they expected him to get a hotel or something, who knows. But he's here now, and he can stay until he's back to normal."

Jamie starts shoveling food into his mouth and I have to laugh, because I did the exact same thing not much earlier. "Funny how you don't realize how much you need food sometimes until it's set in front of you."

He eats and I sip my coffee, pleased to have the content moment after such chaos. Pleased to see Jamie, whom I would have loved no matter what, whole and in one piece. We went through so much without ever leaving at all, and it's hard to wrap my head around.

"Oliver was so worried," I murmur after a long moment's silence. "I wonder if it's harder to be the one left behind."

"Stan was really upset, too," I said. "The last time, I mean, he was there with us on the Island, but when we all went to Regan's home, he was the only one left behind. It really frightened him."

Even knowing what this place could do, knowing how it could treat us, if I woke up one morning and all my friends didn't, I knew I would be terribly worried about them. Worried what sort of things they were seeing or experiencing, wanting to know if they were okay.

"I think maybe it's just a different sort of hard," I decided after another mouthful of eggs. "A more helpless sort."

"I loathe feeling helpless," I say with a sigh, but I so often do here. Sometimes the problems that Darrow presents are so much bigger than me, requiring skill and knowledge I just do not have, and I find myself relegated to the sidelines. It's an awful feeling.

"But at least everyone is okay, right?" We should focus on the positive. Everyone is okay. "All's well. Or-- it will be, when Eddie gets back to normal."

I still felt a little delicate, like the wrong move would result in the events on the Island catching up with me, or like I might look down suddenly and find a cauterized wound where my hand used to be, but I didn't say that. Instead I just wrinkled my nose a little and then glanced over my shoulder. I couldn't see Eddie from here, but I knew he was there and it made me feel a little bit better.

It was okay that I felt vulnerable still. Right here, in Elio and Oliver's home, I was surrounded by people who loved me.

"I haven't been able to kiss him in ages," I complained. "I know we were only asleep for a few days, but it felt like a week on the Island and now he's too grown up and it would be weird, even though..." I laughed a little and looked at Elio. "Even though I'm the world's oldest seventeen year old."

"It is all very complicated," I say with a sympathetic sort of laugh, resting my elbow on the table so I can prop my chin on my palm. "So what, you're both too old for each other in some way or another."

I wave my other hand and shrug one shoulder before reaching for my coffee again. "Just do what feels right. You won't find any judgement here."

"He's afraid if he kisses me he's going to get put on a list of pedophiles," I said, pronouncing the word carefully, because I hadn't actually known it until I started dealing with Creepy Tim and it wasn't a word I had a lot of cause to use. "So we'll just wait until he's back to normal."

It wasn't that big a deal. I would wait forever for Eddie if I had to and I knew I didn't have to. Before long he would be right back to the way he used to be and everything could continue on as normal. Until it happened to me, or something else did.