lost_boy | (no subject)

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I am ok. Both hands still here. Thank you for everything.

It seemed so dumb, but I had sent some variation of that text message to everyone I had seen on the Island, wanting them all to know I was safe and whole and that I appreciated everything they had done for me. Thank you really didn't seem like enough, it didn't even come close, but I was too exhausted to think of anything more.

I kept looking at and touching my right hand. After it had happened, I remembered thinking I was owed the injury somehow, that the Island had been waiting for me to come back so it could finish what it had started before I ended up in Darrow, but here I was and my hand was exactly where it used to be. With my left hand, I traced a line around my wrist, following the wound I knew should have been there, but wasn't.

Briefly, I squeezed my eyes closed, shutting them as tight as possible, and when I opened them again, I climbed off my bed and grabbed my coat. My legs felt strange and shaky, but I couldn't do this. I couldn't just sit in my room and stare at the hand I had lost and wonder what it all meant.

The Island was behind me now. I had to leave it there.

I sent additional messages to Elio and to Eddie. I knew Eddie was staying there until he was back in his regular body and it made sense, but I didn't want to be at the Home without him. Right now, he and Elio were the only people I thought I could see without bursting into tears. I wanted to see them all eventually, but not yet. I needed a few days to collect myself first.

Without waiting for an answer from either of them, I grabbed my backpack, shoved in a few extra sets of clothes, my toothbrush, and my bus pass. I left without telling anyone where I was going and took the bus straight to Elio and Oliver's place.

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Waking up on a cot in the nurse's office and immediately getting a lecture about how he couldn't stay there, they didn't care if it wasn't his fault, he needed to find someplace else to be until this all blew over was the biggest bunch of bullshit he'd ever experienced. He stood in the front office, waving his hands, shouting, and to everyone else, it might've sounded like two adults having a discussion, but what it really was, was a bunch of grown ass adults kicking a kid out of his home because they didn't know how to deal with his grownup dick around their impressionable young charges.

"I'm fifteen, you assholes," he muttered, shoving things into his backpack, still wobbly on his feet from sleeping for two straight days. He didn't even have time to deal with any of it-- with the fact that he'd watched Jamie nearly bleed to death, with the fact that he was pretty sure his boyfriend was Captain Hook. All he could do was get away from them all, with their concerned helplessness and complete lack of understanding. He'd never hated the Home more than he did in that moment, stomping out onto the street and calling for a cab.

It was then that he realized how weird everyone treated him. Like... he was an adult. Like he had some kind of authority. It might've been cool, if he wasn't sick to his stomach, and turning up at Elio and Oliver's place didn't really ease his anxiety. They had their own shit to deal with. Elio seemed really freaked out, understandably, and Oliver never seemed to know what to do with him. Now, especially.

So, when he got the text from Jamie, he hurried out on the porch, sitting wrapped in a blanket on the wicker loveseat, wearing ill-fitting clothes he'd borrowed from Elio, having ditched the weird scrubs they'd put him in at the nurse's office. He shuddered, thinking about the nurse changing him while he slept.

"Assholes," he muttered again, perking up only when he saw Jamie coming around the bend in Elio and Oliver's driveway.

I was not at all embarrassed to admit I ran to him.

When I came up the drive and saw Eddie sitting there on the porch, I ran, my backpack banging against my shoulders as I did, and when I got there, I all but threw myself at him. It was silly and childish, but I needed him then. I knew I couldn't kiss him or even really hug him like I wanted to, which made me sad if I thought on it for too long, but this was good, too. It was what I needed.

I shook my arms out of my backpack straps one at a time and it thumped down to the porch, then I was scrambling onto the loveseat, getting both my arms under the blanket wrapped around Eddie so I could put them around him, too.

"Hi," I said, my face pressed against his shoulder.

Eddie couldn't really do anything but gawk as Jamie thundered up the steps and threw himself down onto the loveseat, burrowing under Eddie's blanket and snuggling in close.

"Hi," Eddie echoed breathlessly, his usual squawk more of a rough whisper. Arms snaking around Jamie's back, Eddie rested his cheek on the top of Jamie's head. Looking down, he caught a glimpse of the big, thick fingers and hairy knuckles of his own hands gripping Jamie's coat.

"Ugh, this is still weird," he muttered, mostly to himself.

"I know," I sighed, my eyes closed for the moment. "But you're still... you. I don't know how to explain it. I can just see it."

It was in his eyes mostly, but also in his voice and in the way he moved. This was still Eddie and maybe until he turned back he couldn't be my boyfriend in the way he was usually my boyfriend, but that wasn't going to stop me from hugging him when I needed it. And I needed it now. Being at the Home without him was awful and I hated the way the workers kept alternating between treating me like I was going to break into a thousand pieces and like I needed to just get over it.

Someone had told them about my hand. Maybe it had even been me, I couldn't remember, but it made them treat me strangely.

"I don't think I can stay there without you," I said, finally shifting back after a moment. I still sat close, but at least with my head lifted I could look at Eddie properly. "Everyone keeps being so odd around me. It makes me feel like crying whenever I catch someone looking at me."

"Of course I'm still me," Eddie grumbled, frowning petulantly as he tightened his arms around Jamie's shoulders.

"Yeah, well, they acted like I was some creepy pervert, so, I'm sure as hell not going back there," he muttered, letting one of Jamie's curls loop around his finger.

"People are stupid. It was like... being inside your head for a week, they don't know how to act now."

I didn't think I had acted strange around Regan after we'd all come back, but maybe I had without even noticing. I wasn't sure if that was entirely the case with me, though, if I was entirely the fault of everyone else. Maybe it was me, too, maybe it was because I was embarrassed.

They had all seen Peter now. And they had seen him for the monster he was immediately. The same thing had taken me such a long time to discover and I was ashamed by how many boys had died before I realized.

"It was awful, wasn't it?" I asked. "Finally meeting Peter?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, that was fucked up. He was fucked up. But I was kind of ready for that. I mean, if it hadn't been for Halloween last year, I wouldn't have had any idea, but he was... Pretty much exactly as scary and weird as I thought he'd be," Eddie admitted, his mouth turned down in a thoughtful frown.

"It was weird how little he was, though. I expected him to be like, our age. I mean, I know that's stupid, but it was fucked up. So much nastiness in this little kid."

"I knocked out his teeth once," I said as I settled against Eddie's side. He wasn't any taller than I was, but he was still bigger and it felt nice, leaning against him. "Not long before I came here, I hit him so hard I knocked out several of his teeth and they were so small and pearly white. He still has his baby teeth."

I had lost mine long ago. Maybe some of them even before the Island, but I couldn't remember.

"I think I hate him less," I admitted after a quiet moment. "I think I feel kind of sorry for him."

"Gross," Eddie muttered, thinking about Peter's creepy smile, with its tiny little teeth and pink gums. He imagined that mouth bloody— bloody from Jamie's fists, and it actually made him feel a little better.

"He cut off your fucking hand, I don't think you have to feel too sorry for him."

"I know," I said. "And I don't feel that sorry for him that I'm not still angry about the things he did. He still killed Sal and tried to kill Charlie and would have killed all of you if given half the chance. I don't think he's a good person, I just think... well, he was made that way. The Island made him or he made the Island, but in the end they're the same."

I was quiet for a moment, trying to work out what I meant, and then I exhaled slowly as I figured it out.

"He's going to be there forever, Eddie. Peter never gets to leave that Island. They belong to each other. He'll stay there and he'll think he's the king of that world, but it's such a small world. A world he controls. He's never going to get to do anything good. He's never going to grow up, he's never going to go to school or learn to drive or kiss a girl. Or a boy. He's never going to fall in love." I shook my head. "Isn't that sad?"

"Maybe he doesn't deserve to," Eddie said, and it might've been a cruel, unfair thing to believe, but he thought that there had to be some people that were just bad, no matter what. He didn't want to have sympathy for someone who was so awful. He didn't want to think of him as a victim, when he'd kept so many boys helpless and small, only to discard them when they stopped being useful.

"You're a really good person, Jamie," he said, chest aching as he reached up to brush Jamie's hair from his forehead.

Edited 2019-12-16 00:49 (UTC)

Eddie was most likely right, I knew, and Peter didn't deserve to have anything more than what he already did. He would never know any different, he would never think he was missing out on anything, and somehow that was both the saddest part and the most infuriating. I wasn't as good as Eddie thought, because sometimes I wanted Peter to understand everything he would never get to have. I wanted him to see it and hurt because of it.

But I smiled, looking up at Eddie, my grin crooked and boyish. As long as Eddie thought I was a good person, I knew I would continue to want to be. Not just for him, not just for my friends, but for myself, too. I was happier this way. Some days my anger still felt too big for my body, but for the most part, I was just happy.

"If you think so, then I think I can, too," I said and I knew I wasn't supposed to kiss him, but I dropped my head and pressed a kiss to his shoulder through the layers of his clothes.

When the doorbell rings, it isn't much of a surprise. I already know who it is, considering his boyfriend is sleeping on my couch. I get up from the kitchen table, where I've eaten all the food that Oliver has put in front of me, and I gesture for him to give me just a minute before padding over to open the door.

Jamie is standing there, safe and whole, and I can't help but to throw myself at him and wrap him up in a tight hug.

"Let's not ever do that again," I mumble against his neck, squeezing him more tightly against me. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"I bet your home would be much more fun," I pointed out, hugging Elio tightly. I never wanted to go back to the Island either and even though I had just made a joke about it, I knew I didn't want to leave Darrow at all. This place was my home and all my family was here.

They would be all I needed.

"It's a little strange at the Home now," I told him. "All the workers keep looking at me as if I might break and the more they look at me like that, the more I feel like it might actually happen."

"You would find it boring," I say with a laugh, because as much as I love my home, it isn't all that exciting, especially to someone like Jamie. "But I think we could all use a vacation."

After pulling away, I lead Jamie inside and shut the door after him, watching him sympathetically as he speaks.

"You aren't going to break," I assure him, because that much I know for sure. Jamie is one of the strongest people I know. "You can stay here for as long as you want, of course. I've already offered up the sofa to your boyfriend."

I look over to where Eddie is sprawled out on said sofa, taking up much more room than before. "We really do need to invest in a pull out sofa. Oliver said as much earlier."

I looked over at Eddie where he was sleeping and smiled gently, fondly. I loved him so much, more than I had known would be possible, but maybe I shouldn't have been surprised. Peter had taught me how to hate, how to be angry, but before him I had had a mother, a proper mother, and she had loved me.

Sometimes I couldn't remember what she looked like, but more and more often I remembered her love.

"He's so handsome like this," I said to Elio, then laughed, mostly at myself, and took Elio's elbow to go through to the kitchen. I wanted to see Eddie, but I didn't want to wake him just yet.

"He does grow up well," I say with a soft laugh, tiptoeing past as we head into the kitchen. "Do you want something to eat? Oliver made a giant breakfast and there are some leftovers."

Oliver passes us to head for his office, probably only to give us a few moments alone, and I smile warmly at him until he's out of sight. Then my attention turns back to Jamie, who looks a little pale, and I assume that whatever he ate at the home wasn't enough.

"Sit," I say as I point at the little table in the breakfast nook. "I'll heat you up some eggs and bacon. Do you want coffee? Or juice?"

"Juice, please," I answered. Usually I would make myself useful, I would get up and help Elio gets things and insist on serving myself so I wouldn't be seen as a burden, but I was so tired right now and I still felt so strange from the entire experience that I was okay letting him get things for me this once.

"Thank you," I added. "You're sure it's all right if we both stay here? Oliver doesn't mind?"

Oliver had never done anything to make me think he minded, but it couldn't be easy, constantly having two teenagers showing up to steal his sofa.

"Right, of course," I say with a laugh, because Jamie doesn't even like coffee. It just feels like such a habit to offer it to a guest. After pouring Jamie a hefty glass of orange juice, I set it in front of him before putting some bread in the toaster. The eggs and bacon won't taste quite as well reheated in the microwave, but I don't think Jamie will mind too much.

The butter and Nutella are still on the table because we hadn't had a chance to tidy, so I fix Jamie's plate and set the eggs, bacon, and dry toast in front of him so he can fix it however he likes.

"Of course he doesn't," I say after refilling my own coffee cup and sitting down across from Jamie. Oliver really has been wonderful about them staying over sometimes, but they're good guests and they're never a bother. "There's always his office or our room to retreat to if he needs some privacy, but you're really not a bother."

I smile at him from over the rim of my mug. "If anyone understands how much the two of you want to be together right now, it's probably us."

Eddie breathes deeply on the sofa, and I look over to see his socked feet hanging over the edge. "I don't think he meant to fall asleep, but he probably needs it."

"Yeah," I said, glancing back at Eddie, too. "It was... well. A lot happened. To all of us, though, and then the Home was so weird to him even though they know he's still Eddie. Not all of us would have somewhere to go if something like that happened, I can't believe they would just kick him out."

There had to be somewhere he could have stayed, although if I thought about it honestly, I didn't particularly want to be there right now either. It was probably better we had both been able to leave.

I started to help myself to the food Elio had brought for me, discovering halfway through my first mouthful that I was absolutely ravenous. The food was so much better than what we'd eaten on the Island, even if we hadn't technically eaten any of it. I still wasn't sure how that really worked.

"This place isn't exactly known for its compassion," I reply with a huff. "Maybe they expected him to get a hotel or something, who knows. But he's here now, and he can stay until he's back to normal."

Jamie starts shoveling food into his mouth and I have to laugh, because I did the exact same thing not much earlier. "Funny how you don't realize how much you need food sometimes until it's set in front of you."

He eats and I sip my coffee, pleased to have the content moment after such chaos. Pleased to see Jamie, whom I would have loved no matter what, whole and in one piece. We went through so much without ever leaving at all, and it's hard to wrap my head around.

"Oliver was so worried," I murmur after a long moment's silence. "I wonder if it's harder to be the one left behind."

"Stan was really upset, too," I said. "The last time, I mean, he was there with us on the Island, but when we all went to Regan's home, he was the only one left behind. It really frightened him."

Even knowing what this place could do, knowing how it could treat us, if I woke up one morning and all my friends didn't, I knew I would be terribly worried about them. Worried what sort of things they were seeing or experiencing, wanting to know if they were okay.

"I think maybe it's just a different sort of hard," I decided after another mouthful of eggs. "A more helpless sort."

"I loathe feeling helpless," I say with a sigh, but I so often do here. Sometimes the problems that Darrow presents are so much bigger than me, requiring skill and knowledge I just do not have, and I find myself relegated to the sidelines. It's an awful feeling.

"But at least everyone is okay, right?" We should focus on the positive. Everyone is okay. "All's well. Or-- it will be, when Eddie gets back to normal."

I still felt a little delicate, like the wrong move would result in the events on the Island catching up with me, or like I might look down suddenly and find a cauterized wound where my hand used to be, but I didn't say that. Instead I just wrinkled my nose a little and then glanced over my shoulder. I couldn't see Eddie from here, but I knew he was there and it made me feel a little bit better.

It was okay that I felt vulnerable still. Right here, in Elio and Oliver's home, I was surrounded by people who loved me.

"I haven't been able to kiss him in ages," I complained. "I know we were only asleep for a few days, but it felt like a week on the Island and now he's too grown up and it would be weird, even though..." I laughed a little and looked at Elio. "Even though I'm the world's oldest seventeen year old."

"It is all very complicated," I say with a sympathetic sort of laugh, resting my elbow on the table so I can prop my chin on my palm. "So what, you're both too old for each other in some way or another."

I wave my other hand and shrug one shoulder before reaching for my coffee again. "Just do what feels right. You won't find any judgement here."

"He's afraid if he kisses me he's going to get put on a list of pedophiles," I said, pronouncing the word carefully, because I hadn't actually known it until I started dealing with Creepy Tim and it wasn't a word I had a lot of cause to use. "So we'll just wait until he's back to normal."

It wasn't that big a deal. I would wait forever for Eddie if I had to and I knew I didn't have to. Before long he would be right back to the way he used to be and everything could continue on as normal. Until it happened to me, or something else did.

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