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[august 30]
I had been thinking about my conversation with Elio for days now, turning his words over in my mind, dwelling on them long after I should have been asleep. I would lie there, turned on my side in my bed -- because I was sleeping in my bed now, albeit a bit reluctantly -- watching the moonlight filter into the room and wash all the colour away. And then I would close my eyes and try to sleep and all the colour would return, splashes and explosions of it, just like the night of the party.
Elio had said kissing didn't mean we were boyfriends. I wasn't sure I agreed with him, but Eddie might. With Sal, the kisses we exchanged had felt like promises almost more than the words we'd spoken, and with Eddie the kisses had felt much the same. More. It wasn't just a few kisses on one single night, I didn't believe that at all, but Elio was right. I needed to be certain.
Especially before school started and it was just around the corner. I didn't want to walk into those halls and try to work out what I was meant to do all while working out what I meant to Eddie, too.
I was worried I would be bad at it. Being someone's boyfriend. But I would never get the chance to find out unless I knew for certain I was.
The day was warm, hot even, and sweat prickled the skin between my shoulder blades as I wandered the park looking for Eddie. I had been cornered by my tutor after breakfast, dragged into one final math lesson that I tried to pay attention to, and by the time I was free, Eddie was gone. We both often spent the day away from the Home, so I wasn't surprised, but without Beverly here these days, I didn't know who to ask. So instead I just looked for him.
It was nearly two hours before I thought to use my phone. By then I was back at the Home, sitting on the front steps, and I sent Eddie a text. Hello. Where are you? I am at the Home.
Elio had said kissing didn't mean we were boyfriends. I wasn't sure I agreed with him, but Eddie might. With Sal, the kisses we exchanged had felt like promises almost more than the words we'd spoken, and with Eddie the kisses had felt much the same. More. It wasn't just a few kisses on one single night, I didn't believe that at all, but Elio was right. I needed to be certain.
Especially before school started and it was just around the corner. I didn't want to walk into those halls and try to work out what I was meant to do all while working out what I meant to Eddie, too.
I was worried I would be bad at it. Being someone's boyfriend. But I would never get the chance to find out unless I knew for certain I was.
The day was warm, hot even, and sweat prickled the skin between my shoulder blades as I wandered the park looking for Eddie. I had been cornered by my tutor after breakfast, dragged into one final math lesson that I tried to pay attention to, and by the time I was free, Eddie was gone. We both often spent the day away from the Home, so I wasn't surprised, but without Beverly here these days, I didn't know who to ask. So instead I just looked for him.
It was nearly two hours before I thought to use my phone. By then I was back at the Home, sitting on the front steps, and I sent Eddie a text. Hello. Where are you? I am at the Home.
no subject
He grimaced. They weren't being sneaky about it. He didn't want to be sneaky about it. Okay, keeping it a secret from the caretakers might actually have been sort of fun, but he didn't want to keep it from his friends or anyone else. Could they really trust people to keep their mouths shut?
Could he trust himself?
But then Jamie mentioned kissing all night, and--
"Let's not tell them," he said in a rush, his clammy hand tightening convulsively around Jamie's.
no subject
And it was new.
"But we can tell other people," I said. "Our friends."
Beverly would want to know, I could tell that even before anything happened, back when I admitted to her that I thought I liked Eddie. And I had already told Elio some of what happened at the party and I thought I would likely tell him about this. He just seemed to know so much more than I did.