lost_boy | [august 30]

Entry tags:

eddie

[august 30]

I had been thinking about my conversation with Elio for days now, turning his words over in my mind, dwelling on them long after I should have been asleep. I would lie there, turned on my side in my bed -- because I was sleeping in my bed now, albeit a bit reluctantly -- watching the moonlight filter into the room and wash all the colour away. And then I would close my eyes and try to sleep and all the colour would return, splashes and explosions of it, just like the night of the party.

Elio had said kissing didn't mean we were boyfriends. I wasn't sure I agreed with him, but Eddie might. With Sal, the kisses we exchanged had felt like promises almost more than the words we'd spoken, and with Eddie the kisses had felt much the same. More. It wasn't just a few kisses on one single night, I didn't believe that at all, but Elio was right. I needed to be certain.

Especially before school started and it was just around the corner. I didn't want to walk into those halls and try to work out what I was meant to do all while working out what I meant to Eddie, too.

I was worried I would be bad at it. Being someone's boyfriend. But I would never get the chance to find out unless I knew for certain I was.

The day was warm, hot even, and sweat prickled the skin between my shoulder blades as I wandered the park looking for Eddie. I had been cornered by my tutor after breakfast, dragged into one final math lesson that I tried to pay attention to, and by the time I was free, Eddie was gone. We both often spent the day away from the Home, so I wasn't surprised, but without Beverly here these days, I didn't know who to ask. So instead I just looked for him.

It was nearly two hours before I thought to use my phone. By then I was back at the Home, sitting on the front steps, and I sent Eddie a text. Hello. Where are you? I am at the Home.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

About a block from Bev and Hopper's place, Eddie's phone buzzed and skidding to a stop, he fumbled it out of his pocket. Looking at the screen, his stomach swooped, his heartbeat ratcheting up dizzyingly. For the last few days, he'd thought of little else but the party, and the kiss he'd shared with Jamie. More than one kiss. Lots of kisses. His talk with Bev had calmed some of his nerves about it, or at least, he thought he was calm, until he got the text.

It said very little, and was awkwardly formal, but Eddie felt a smile tugging at his lips, despite the panic threatening to choke him.

Leaving Bev's. Wait there.

Peddling as fast as his skinny legs could take him, he biked back to the home, lifting a hand in an awkward wave about a quarter block away.

He was breathing heavily as he stopped his bike just a few feet away, but he resisted the urge to reach for his inhaler. "Hey."

"Hi," I answered and I thought all over again that Elio was wrong, because Eddie wasn't looking at me like I was just his friend anymore. He was, of course, and I was, but there was something more. He was out of breath, too, like he'd hurried to come see me.

I grinned at him, feeling stupid and happy, like I'd felt with Sal, and I had known before that I had a crush on Eddie, but now that we'd kissed, it was blossoming into something more than that.

"Um," I said, still grinning as I stood up and approached him. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if we would want the workers at the Home to know. I put my hand on his bike instead, then inched it over bit by bit until my fingers were touching his. "I was looking for you. I forgot I could text you."

"You could've. You could've called, too. I don't know why nobody uses their phones as a phone anymore. They carry them around everywhere, but they don't talk on them, it's weird," Eddie said, his nose wrinkling.

As Jamie drew closer, Eddie's stomach flipped, and when their fingers touched, he thought he might actually swoon. It was stupid. He was being stupid, but it also felt really nice, being stupid together.

"What's up? Are you, um. I mean, is everything okay? Are we..." He trailed off awkwardly, uncharacteristically speechless.

"I didn't even know what phones were before Darrow," I admitted, which wasn't what I wanted to say, because no one really cared if I knew what a phone was. Maybe that wasn't fair, maybe people cared, and if anyone did, it would be Eddie, of course, but it just didn't seem important when compared to the other things I was thinking about almost all the time.

I rubbed my little finger against the edge of his hand and then nodded when he asked if everything was okay. I thought I should probably try to be a little more cool about all of this, but I thought it was probably well established by now that I was not cool and if I was going to be not cool at school when it started soon, I wanted to be not cool and have a boyfriend. This boyfriend.

"Yes, it's just. Well... Elio said that just because we kissed doesn't mean we're, um- well. Boyfriends." I realized we were standing directly in front of the Home while having this conversation, but I wasn't going to ask to move now. "But I- that is... would you want to be? Because I- I do."

Eddie made me stutter and stammer more than I ever had before.

"You told Elio?"

For some reason, his brain immediately fixated on that part, not because he had a problem with Jamie telling anyone, but because Elio had a way of making Eddie feel foolish and immature. It wasn't fair, Elio was hardly that much older than they were, but he seemed sophisticated and worldly, and he had that boyfriend, who looked like he belonged in a magazine ad.

That... boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend??!!

"Oh shit," he blurted, his eyes widening. "You want to-- With me? I mean, yeah. Yes, I thought. I want that, too. To be your. Yes." His lip curled in a grimace. "I mean, sure. We can do that.

For a moment I had worried I'd done something wrong by telling Elio, but I hadn't thought our kissing was meant to be a secret. Did Eddie want it to be a secret? Did he think people ought not to know? I had spent so much trying to work out my own tangled feelings that I realized I hadn't asked Eddie what he thought of it all beyond that first night.

I was about to apologize, my mouth partly open when Eddie continued to speaking and every last thought in my head seemed to fly away. I just stood there for a moment, my hand part of the way on top of his, my mouth halfway open, and grinned.

"Okay," I finally managed to say, my voice hushed and happy. I leaned forward impulsively and pressed my lips to Eddie's, my aim slightly off, hitting the side of his mouth more than anything. "Good. I didn't... I thought that was maybe what it meant, but Elio made me worry. I didn't want to assume. Should I not have told him?"

"No, it's fine," he said in a rush. "You can tell people. Whoever, I don't care."

Right then, he wanted to tell everyone. He wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs. He wanted to spray paint it on his locker or wear matching t-shirts or something. Or maybe kissing in the streets made it obvious enough.

He surged forward, one hand curling in the collar of Jamie's collar and pulled him into another kiss. This one should've been more centered, his aim was okay, but he also misjudged the obstacle of the bicycle standing between them, stubbing his toe on the wheel and nearly getting a handlebar to the crotch.

His whine of pain was muffled against Jamie's lips, making the whole thing seem worth the injury.

I wanted to tell Eddie I didn't care who he told either, he could tell our friends and he could tell strangers, and all of it would be okay with me, but then he was kissing me and talking suddenly seemed much less important. His bike was between us and I think he might have knocked it while pulling me in, but he didn't stop kissing me and so I didn't stop either.

He really liked me. Just me. I didn't have to do anything to make the happen, I didn't have to work to impress him, I didn't have to feel like I was constantly on the edge of losing his attention. He was my boyfriend.

I covered his hand more completely with my own, both of them, the one on the bike and the one at the collar of my shirt. I tilted my head a little, fitting myself better against him, and even with the bike between us it felt like there were sparks jumping under my skin.

They kissed like that for along time, probably a little too eager and with too much spit, and the handlebar was really starting to dig painfully into his hip, but it was nice.

Better than nice. He wasn't sure he had the right word for it, his chest filled with something a little scary and impossible to identify, but scary wasn't always so bad.

Finally, he pulled back with a gasp, his cheeks red, his mouth a little slack. "We should, um. We should go in. I mean, lunch is soon, right?"

I wanted to keep kissing him, wanted it to the point that I had almost forgotten we were standing on the sidewalk, out where everyone could see us, and when Eddie pulled back, for just a second I leaned forward to follow him. But then the handle of Eddie's bike was jammed against my hip and I laughed as I glanced down at the bike, as if realizing for the first time it was there at all.

"I think so," I said, even though I had no idea. I had stopped paying attention to the time when I realized I wanted to ask Eddie if he would be my boyfriend. If he wanted to be. And that had been a few hours ago.

"Should we not say anything to the workers?" I asked suddenly. One of them had told me why they kept the boys and girls on different floors, which I thought was fairly shortsighted, since there were boys who liked boys and girls who liked girls, but I hadn't said anything at the time. And I didn't want to say anything now. "I don't want them to move us into different rooms. Not because I want to spend all night kissing, but I like our room and..." I paused and grinned. "And because maybe I want to spend all night kissing."

"What?" Eddie said, blinking back at Jamie dazedly. "Oh shit. I don't know, maybe? I mean, they probably won't find out."

He grimaced. They weren't being sneaky about it. He didn't want to be sneaky about it. Okay, keeping it a secret from the caretakers might actually have been sort of fun, but he didn't want to keep it from his friends or anyone else. Could they really trust people to keep their mouths shut?

Could he trust himself?

But then Jamie mentioned kissing all night, and--

"Let's not tell them," he said in a rush, his clammy hand tightening convulsively around Jamie's.

"Okay," I answered with a laugh, one that sounded a little too shrill and excited to my own ears. I wanted to be calmer than this, but I was excited and surprised and feeling things I hadn't ever really felt before. With Sal, it had all been over before it had even really had a chance to begin and I missed her fiercely, but this was just more.

And it was new.

"But we can tell other people," I said. "Our friends."

Beverly would want to know, I could tell that even before anything happened, back when I admitted to her that I thought I liked Eddie. And I had already told Elio some of what happened at the party and I thought I would likely tell him about this. He just seemed to know so much more than I did.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[august 30]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject