lost_boy | (no subject)

A week into my classes at Barton and I was still incredibly excited to be there.

Being at college was different than high school. The students wanted to be there, for the most part, and despite what my high school teachers had said, it seemed like the professors were much more relaxed. They expected things of us, of course, but in general, I felt like I was going to have a better time at college than I'd had in high school.

I'd meant to start earlier, but with my injury, it had seemed smarter to put it off until the fall. Eddie started at the same time as I did, which I liked, too. For the first time, we were approaching this new stage together rather than one of us having to jump in before the other.

A week in, though, my class on early childhood education had thrown me. The topic of student teaching was brought up and we discussed what it would mean, how we would be placed, where we would be going, and what would be expected of us. At the end of the class, though, my professor had asked me to stay behind and then, gently, had asked what I might want the students to call me.

It was only then I realized what he meant. All my teachers had been called by their last name. Some of the professors didn't ask us to do the same thing here, but others did.

I didn't have a last name. I didn't remember what it was.

As I unlocked the apartment door and set down my bag, I was still thinking about it. Beverly had suggested maybe I would want to make a last name for myself, but I wasn't sure how to do that, what to choose. It felt strange, trying to just pick a name that fit me.

I was distracted as I came in, but I still walked to where Eddie was sitting and kissed the top of his head in greeting.

"Hullo," I said, still thinking. "How were your classes today?"

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"Hey," Eddie said, closing the binder resting open in his lap and leaning back to look up at Jamie with a tired smile.

"The worst," he griped playfully, his grin suggesting the opposite. He was a lot more stressed out by all of it than Jamie, but he still already found himself enjoying the freedom of it more than the bullshit shackles of high school.

"They were good, I guess. I thought I was going to hate my algebra class, but the professor is kind of cool."

I came around to the front of the couch and flopped down beside Eddie, leaning my head on his shoulder. The thoughts kept going around and around my mind, wondering if I could just have the students call me Jamie or if I really needed a last name.

"What's he like?" I asked. "Or she?"

I liked most of my professors well enough, some better than others, and the one who had set me onto my current thought process was my favourite. Maybe not today, but most of the time.

"I don't know. She talks to us like adults, I guess. And not in that fake I'm so cool, I'm friends with all my students way, you know?"

He shrugged.

"What about you? You seem like you're thinking about something." He didn't want to say distracted. It wasn't that. Jamie rarely seemed like he wasn't paying attention, but he seemed... thoughtful. After four years of being together, Eddie was pretty good at recognizing that sort of thing.

I nodded, my head still leaning against Eddie's shoulder, wondering how best to say what was on my mind without scaring him. Because the only solution that felt right to me also felt quite scary, no matter how in love with Eddie I was, no matter how much I saw us spending our futures together.

"We're going to start student teaching this year," I explained. "I'll be assigned a class at one of the preschools next semester, then an elementary school next year. I'm excited about that, but my professor had me stay after class and asked what I would want my students to call me."

"They'll call you Jamie, what the hell else would they call you?"

It tumbled out of Eddie's mouth without a second thought, before his brain caught up and he realized why that might be an issue.

"Oh," he grimaced around a smile. "I guess Mr. Jamie sounds pretty fucking stupid."

"Mister Jamie," I echoed, then laughed. "I guess they could call me that."

But it did sound sort of stupid. Maybe it wouldn't matter with little kids, they didn't seem to care about anything like that, and that was who I wanted to teach. I had no interest in trying to teach high school or even junior high school students.

"What do you want them to call you?" Eddie asked, frowning thoughtfully. This was the sort of things his friends would've made jokes about, but now they were more or less grown up— or, they were at least pretending to be.

It was something worth taking seriously.

"I don't know," I answered, which was honest enough, even if not quite the entire truth. "I hadn't really considered it much before today. Beverly and I talked about it once, a little, but that was ages ago and then today..."

I sighed and lifted my head so I could look at Eddie properly.

"She said I could just pick a last name, but that never felt right. I think... if I'm going to have a last name, it... well, it ought to be yours. I don't mean we have to run off and get married or... or... I don't know. I don't want to put too much pressure on you, I just can't imagine any other name feeling right." The words kept pouring out of me in a rush and I couldn't seem to stop them.

"If I get to stay here in Darrow, for as long as I can, I know it's going to be with you. So if I have a last name, I- I only mean. Well, I don't know quite what I mean besides it's the only option that feels right to me, but only if it feels right to you, too."

"You want to be a Kaspbrak?" Eddie said disbelievingly, even though that wasn't the point. But it was all he seemed capable processing. Maybe it was because, as soon as Jamie mentioned marriage, his brain kind of flat-lined.

Jamie wasn't asking to marry him, he was just asking for a name, but it wasn't like he hadn't thought about it. He was only eighteen, way too young to think about that kind of stuff, but hadn't he done a lot of things he was too young for? Like fight an intergalactic clown demon in the Derry sewers?

"I don't know, Jamie. I mean, I thought that would be something that would happen when we got married. If we do all the important stuff before, what will even be the point?"

Eddie said when, not if, when it came to getting married and my heart slammed against the inside of my ribs in response. A dopey looking smile spread across my face against my wishes, leaving me feeling a little bit like an idiot, but I couldn't stop myself.

"I think the point would be because we love each other," I answered, still grinning, my cheeks starting to hurt a little. "You want to marry me?"

That wasn't a proposal, I just wanted to be sure. Before I said anything too foolish.

"Not right now, but yeah. Yes, I mean. I thought..."

He gestured around them, to the apartment they shared, the life they already shared.

"We're already over halfway there, Jamie. I mean, I. Yeah."

I couldn't stop smiling. My face felt broken, beyond my control, and I buried it against my hands, trying to massage my aching cheeks.

"Okay," I whispered into my hands, my delight apparent. "Okay. I'll be Mister Jamie until then."

I didn't care if it sounded strange, I didn't care about anything. I could wait until we were married, because Eddie wanted to marry me.

"Okay, Mister Jamie," Eddie said, unable to keep from teasing him about it, even as he all but tackled him to the corner of the couch.

"You look insane," he accused, kissing the corner of Jamie's wild grin, as if he didn't look pretty crazed himself.

"Shut up," I replied, wrapping my arms around Eddie and kissing him back. "You look insane."

I was certain he was right, I looked completely mad, but I didn't care. Whenever Eddie was involved, I felt a little mad, like he could undo all the bits of me that worried or grew tense or angry. He was such a good part of my life, the best, and if I looked insane some of the time, that was okay.