all this has happened before

[lost_boy]

We were running. Running from Peter. Running toward the pirates.

It hadn't been difficult to convince the others this was our best option, not after all Peter had done. They knew now, they had seen what he was like, they'd been viewed under the cold, dismissive gaze of Peter Pan and understood he thought nothing of them. Of us. Because I may have been his favourite once, but it was clear I was too grown up, too close to being a man to be loved by him any longer.

I knew that had upset me once, but now, surrounded by my friends, running toward other friends, I didn't feel that same sense of loss that I had before. As with Charlie and Sal and Nod, I was choosing these good people, people I loved, and I was turning my back on Peter.

We crossed the Island, skirting the plans with the Many-Eyed, taking the path up into the mountains, toward Bear Cave, and then beyond. I paused at the cave, remembering Harry and his death here, but only for a moment. I had learned long ago how to mourn my friends while on the move and today was no different. My other friends needed me now, they needed me to lead them to safety away from Peter.

Leading the way down the mountain path, past the Marking Rock, I could see the camp and the cove in the distance, the shipped docked where it usually was when the pirates weren't away, raiding whatever places they were able to find. And I could see people. Pirates, yes, but familiar faces, too, and I picked up my pace, hurrying the others toward them.

[Coming together post! Gathering, as usual, Jamie and everyone who was with him at the tree is going to come to the pirate camp/the Jolly Roger, so feel free to have threads that take place on the ship or on the shore at the camp. Also feel free to employ fairies if you like, they'll be spying for Peter, who'll be coming soon enough. In a few days I'll post a second top level for Jamie and Peter's big final fight where Jamie will be losing his right hand.]

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[lost_boy]

I didn't scream. I wanted to and I felt the sound bubbling up in my throat, but I choked it down, both because I didn't want Elio to feel bad and because I didn't want Peter to have the satisfaction of hearing it. It hurt, though, and I couldn't stop the strangled gasp that slipped out or the tears that finally blurred my vision.

"It's all right. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt at all."

I hadn't even realized I was speaking, even as the tears spilled over and down my cheeks. I only wanted to make sure Elio didn't feel any guilt for what he was doing, because I knew it was necessary, even in my state of shock. I knew he was only doing any of it because he loved me.

[speakordie]

"It's okay if it hurts," I assure him, because I know that it must, just like I know that he's trying to pretend it doesn't just to spare me any further pain. It doesn't matter what's been written about Jamie in some book. He's one of the best people I have ever known, and if I lose this integral piece of my new family, I have no idea what I will do. Other than fight Peter with all that's left of me.

"There, there. It's all done," I assure him once I've tucked the end of the belt in place. The dressing is crude and frighteningly macabre. Bloodstained fabric wrapped tight and held in place by leather. But it's the best I can do.

It's the best I can do. But there are others here who can do more.

"Go find Magnus!" I call out, sending others out for the task because there is nothing that could tear me from Jamie right now. I hold him cradled between my thighs, tight against my chest as I cup his head against my shoulder. "Magnus can help, Jamie. So just stay with me, okay? Don't close your eyes."

[lost_boy]

I was tired, though, and I wanted to protest. If I went to sleep, just for a little bit, maybe I would feel better when I woke up again, but I knew Elio was right. I groaned softly and forced myself to keep my eyes open, then did the best thing I could think of, and I raised my right arm overhead. Jamming my left arm against my thigh, I rested my right elbow in the palm of my left hand to keep it elevated, to keep it from bleeding too much.

"I did this to pirates," I told Elio. "Have you seen the ones without their right hand? That was me. That's why Peter did this to me. It's his idea of a joke."

Do to me what I had done to the pirates in his name. I could see why it would appeal to him.

[speakordie]

Jamie raises his arm and I nearly panic because I hadn't even remembered to do that. I help hold his arm up, probably uselessly, and keep the other tight around his middle.

"Why did you do that?" I ask him, but my tone is more curious than accusatory. I want to understand why he did what he did, but more than that I want to keep him talking. "Will you tell me?"

[lost_boy]

"I was angry," I answered. I hadn't realized how simple the answer was until I was asked the question and I knew my reeling head was at least partly due to blood loss, but the answer hit me like a physical blow.

"I was angry all the time," I continued and although my voice was weak, the words felt like they were pushing out of me. As if I had to say them. "I was angry with the pirates and I was angry with Peter and I was angry with myself. Because all the boys kept dying and I was never able to save them. I wanted to hurt other people because I couldn't hurt myself."